DOSE:

2 tablets

oral

MDMA

(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

150 lb

I started taking ecstasy with my friends in February, 2000. The experiences that I have had and the after effects of the drug have changed the way I am greatly. The first time that I took ecstasy I was with two friends who were rolling with me on the same dosage and with one friend who hadn't taken ecstasy. Our dosage as one pill called a horseshoe. My first experience was a very positive one and it encouraged me to comtinue use of the drug. While I was peaking on the drug I felt very good physically and mentally, like there was nothing that I couldn't do. Looking back on the experience I realize that I did things that were kind of rude to my friends, because I got so caught up in my own world. The next day everything was back to the way it usually was. I felt a little more tired than usual but I was completely over that once I got in to my normal routine for the day.

My next dosage was in April of 2000 and it was much different than my first time. I still look back on that night very often and I know that it has changed me a lot. I was at a Phil Lesh and Friends concert with a group of about ten of my friends. During the show I was with the only four people in the group who weren't using ecstasy, but it didn't seem to have any effect on the way that I felt. That night I took two pills of an ecstasy called thumbs up, along with a pretty big hit of LSD. The hit of acid was probably about the same size as three normal hits. Inside the show I was very much into the music and really felt like I had no limits. I was even able to sneak up to the front of the venue. Afterward though, was much different. Inside I had been able to talk to everyone and I felt great, but outside I started to have trouble communicating with others. I didn't have my usual communication skills because I was thinking about my life and my surroundings so intensely. A frid of mine who had taken one pill of the same ecstasy started a conversation with me about things that we had done together in the past, and saying we were good friends. It was a an awesome thing for him to be saying and it made me feel great, but all I could do was nod in agreement of what he was saying. I couldn't give a good response. While this took place we were watching a huge drum circle that was getting pretty intense, and I kept looking at the people in the circle and wanting to be a part of something like that. I was thinking about how peaceful they all seemed to be living and getting along, and I had strong urges to drop out of school and tour with theband for the rest of the tour. A few months later I told a couple of friends that I had taken two ecstasy pills and acid at the same time, and they asked me what I was thinking. I answered them as I was leaving the room with the single word, 'Peace'.In the days immediately following the experience I was overly friendly to people that I knew and I felt like I was getting another chance to do things right. The thing about the nightt hat has changed me though, was my picture of myself. After a week I had started to try to imagine how others saw me both physically and as a person. At first I only did it a little bit, and looking at my image through everyone's eyes, but then I get sort of hooked on it. I started to look at myslef through different individual's eyes. I was able to recognize what I was doing, and that it had a potential to do some serious damage to my head, and I tried to stop it. After weeks of worrying about it, I started to feel like I wasn't doing it as much, but in reality I was only getting use to that way of thinking as being a normal thing for me to do.

My third experience with ecsasy came after my junior prom in June, 2000, and a have had friends ask me what happened to me that night that changed me so much. At the dance I was in the best mood that I had been in months, maybe in more than a year, and during the dance I had a couple of people tell me that they had noticed. I shouldn't have taken any drugs that night because the onyl way that I could really go was down. I took two pills that night called X-Files. Before I really started rolling I drank five or six beers and smoked a joint of strong pot. Once I was rolling I became extremely melancholy and at first all I really did was walk around and fall in love with the surroundings. Later on two people had too much to drink and had gotten sick, and I felt obligated to help them out, especially since no one else was. This time I didn't have trouble communicating, but for much of the night I felt like being by myself with my thoughts.

Another friend of mine had taken four the pills and I kept asking him if he was alright. He was and I definitely annoyed him. Whenever someone wanted to talk to me or if I ran into someone, conversation was not a problem at all. Speech came easily but I felt like I was thinking through all of my answers and I ended up trying to give insight to life in some way with each sentence. I thinnk that I have figured out since then that my trouble with communication comes with my consumption of LSD, because I have had several experiences with it by now. When I woke up I kept saying that I wished I hadn't taken the drug. All of my friends had an awesome time that night but I hadn't. In the next few days I kept thiking about instances when a person I knew had hurt another, or stories on the news. I started to lose faith in people in general, basing my thoughts on isolated incidents that had occured where someone had set out to hurt others. When I started to realized just how differently I was being, it got even worse, because I felt like everyone had noticed and that they felt differently about me.

After that I took ecstasy three more times. The dates were June28, June 30, and July 1, and all three times I was at Phish concerts. On the 28th I took two pills before a show in New Jersey. It was the first time that I had taken both of the pills at exactly the same time. The other two times there was about an hour between dosages. Along with the pills I had drank at least 20 beers by the end of the night, and had smoked almost two full packs of cigarettes. Since then I have barely smoked a cigarette at all. This was the first time that I had taken ecstasy and had been surrounded completely by strangers. I had faith in everyone at the venue. I started conversations with complete strangers and I could tell that some of them thought I was completely fucked up. It was a pretty good night. After the show we went to New York City and walked around going to bars and even going to a party that we got invited to. The hangover of this experience was the worst ever. The next day, in the greatest city in the world with one of my best friends, I could barely say anything. During the show I thought about my family life for a little whil and decided to be extra nice to my family when I got back home. Once I did, I stayed with that thought, and I could tell that they noticed. Two nights later in Hartford I took one tenth of a gram of pure MDMA after drinking about ten beers, dropping a gel tab of LSD and taking six or seven bong rips. The combination of beer and smoke had made me very sick so I took the MDMA mainly in order to make myself feel better, and it worked. Once it started to affect me I didn't feel like I was on ecstasy, but rather that I was very much in a normal, very relaxed state. I actually told a friend that I was barely rolling, and he couldn't believe it, becasue he aid that form the looks of my eyes I definitely was. After the show I got very quiet, not feeling like I could contribute to conversation. Even though it wasn't an awesome feeling, it wasn't really a bad one either. The next night is the night that has made me very different. That night I didnt dirnk or smoke that much. I took one pill called Thumbs Up. I searched the lots looking for someone with the pill because I had taken months earlier during a very intense night. Once I started rolling I got seperated form my friends who were also rolling and I couldn't get back to be with them because i lost clearance to their seats. So instead of going off by myslef, I found others friends elsewhere in the venue. I started to get very , very nervous around everyone and I felt like I was anoutsider. If there is a stereotypical 'bad roll' then this was it. I knew that I was coming off as someone who didn't feel anted or as someone who wanted to be leeft alone, but I wanted very badly to be a part of conversation and fun going on. But the harder that I tried to talk to other people around, all of whom I knew, the harder that it got for me to be comfortable. Every time I said something I felt like I had messed up and had sounded like a jerk. Sometimes I would try to say something else to make it better, buafter that I would feel even worse. Eentually I gave up on talking while I was in the show. For the rest of the summer I was a nervous wreck. I constantly felt pressure to say the right thing and to say something that had to do directly with the person I was talking to. I lost my own sense of self, as in all of my conversations I took on the feeling that I had of the people I was with. Looking back on it back then and now I am sure of a prgressiveness in my discomfort and nervousness that got worse with each consumption of ecstasy and with my thinking patterns being changed with habit. Without a doubt I have 'lost the magic' of ecstasy for good and really changed my personality. I hope this can help someone.

Exp Year: 2000	ExpID: 4131
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Dec 9, 2000	Views: 10,786
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MDMA (3) : Various (28), Post Trip Problems (8), Retrospective / Summary (11)