DOSE:

repeated

Amphetamines

BODY WEIGHT:

170 lb

4/18/20, 11th grade

Back in early January, I had just gotten out of a messy breakup and was enjoying the new freedom. For awhile before this occurred, I had been very curious about numerous varieties of drugs, but restrained myself because of my situation. With the relationship gone, I felt as if I was finally unchained. I started out with pot, and eventually one day it came to be that my weed dealer offered to sell me some sort of pill. Knowing nothing about it, I of course asked him what it was and what it would do to me.

To sum up his response, he told me that it was Adderall, a form of speed that was popular to some recreationally and well-known for making it easier to concentrate on schoolwork. Me being the typical me, with my chronic lack of abiltity to concentrate and devote my attention to school, I was very intrigued by his description of this supposed 'wonder pill'. Being my generally reckless and risk-taking self, I didn't bother to even read up on this drug I'd never even heard the name of before before I decided it was time to set it into action. While my dealer sincerely cautioned me, I assured him I knew that I could handle it (not truly even grasping the concept of what 'it' was), and I bought one 30mg and downed it in the school bathroom during lunch.

Thus began a strange, twisted sort of relationship with my first truly abuseable drug. By the time the middle of my next class hit, I could tell something was 'different'. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but suddenly all that chemistry homework just couldn't wait until after school to get done and that report outline needed touch-up RIGHT NOW. I glued my face to the paper, the pencils went flying, and in what felt like 30 seconds the class was over...then another...then another...then another. The school day was over in what felt to me like about 15 minutes of my day. For God's sake I was even to the point I couldn't resist starting on the day's homework the SECOND I sat down on the bus. For those 20 minutes I had the strangest feeling people were staring at 'the freak doing homework on the bus', but the other effect of the Adderall, the mild-moderate euphoria, masked that paranoia...for awhile, anyway.

I started taking 30 mg a day every 2 or 3 days. Spiralling down the slippery slope, the 'normal me' just couldn't cut it for any part of the day, and I stopped putting in those days between doses. Then the doses stopped lasting as long. I'd take 2, and soon thereafter 3, doses a day to keep myself 'functional'. By then I had realized I was rapidly becoming psychologically addicted to this drug, but my priorities were set to me so that my health and well-being could suffer if it meant the betterment of my grades.

Then the doses increased. I was on about 60 mg a day, then 90 mg. It got to the point that I actually took 250 mg at once one day my tolerance had skyrocketed so much. Lucky me, I had never really experienced much of a crash aside from the general disappointment over the end of a good speed high. My dosing continued even outside of school, I found that this pill had its recreational benefits. On weekends I didn't feel like having the usual friends over to smoke weed, I would load up on Adderall the Friday thereof, and suddenly I had the energy to have any kind of fun I wanted until my tedious work program resumed the following Monday. I would have just as good a high on Adderall as on dexies (Dexedrine), which I promptly tried with the intention of comparing to Adderall.

This is where the real problems started setting in. Noticing that the cost of living was getting more and more obscenely pricey (Adderall usually doesn't run cheap where I live), I began to have paranoid fits, even when high on Adderall. I couldn't stop thinking, sacrificing anything to formulate some kind of plan that meant a constant supply of the drug that kept me going through the day. I became a slave to the drug. Though for some reason (once again, strange body chemistry) physical addiction and withdrawal signs never noticeably set in, my mind revolved around it. It became me.

Thankfully, this is when spring break came along. Beforehand, I realized it was probably a good idea to either take a break from speed or just quit altogether. I figured I'd make my decision while on a hiatus during spring break. No signs of withdrawal or anything of the sort set in. I just spent the spring break doing whatever and trying to find 'hippie drugs', the hallucinogens I had grown quite fond after my mild experimenting. No problems set in from this-if I had something I needed to do, it could get done. I had no issues with getting the message to myself that when there were things to be done I needed to have a clear mind. From growing accustomed to this sort of self-control, I thought if I took Adderall again I could keep myself from becoming the speed-fueled zombie I had become in previous weeks. Oh, boy was I wrong...

This Monday spring break ended, and I came to my dealer asking for Adderall quite promptly. Somehow these three days have escalated in a far worse and more intense direction than I had ever anticipated-I had neglected to take into account that my tolerance had tapered off essentially 100%. This was quite obviously reflected in today, when I took a dose of 90 mg at once, which I swear now will be my final flirting with speed.

But before I describe today, I can't neglect to mention the mild sort of nightmare yesterday became. With a mere 60 mg I was going MUCH longer than I had rolled before. I took the dose at about 7:30 AM, and the same time next day I was only just then completely coming down. Early in the day the dose felt like the visiting of a familiar friend, and one who could help me pass that cursed English class I had grown to hate from day one. But it didn't last like that for long. By the end of the school day, I thought the effect was tapering off, but all that was happening was I was dizzy when I moved, and my eyesight was blurry. It wasn't quite a general blurriness, but more like a nagging tunnel vision and only objects at a particular distance would be in focus, with the rest being more of a hazy blur. I assured myself that this wouldn't last long.

Well, it did. Last night I couldn't sleep to any extent until about 4:30 in the morning, and even then I was regularly awoken by the inescapable loudness of my heartbeat, not to mention the rate had literally at LEAST doubled from its normal rate. Keep in mind this was over 18 hours after I had last dosed. With my hour or so of sleep in, I decided it was time to kick the next day back into high gear. This morning, I bought 90 mg of Adderall, downed it all at once.

Jesus christ what a god-awful day it's been. The elevated energy and concentration tapered off after about 4 hours, quite unusual from my personal experience, while my heart rate was still very elevated. With the storm gone and the gentle calm settling in, I would've thought nothing of it had it not been for the telltale sign of my pounding, extremely fast-paced heartbeat. Now I also wish I had paid more attention to the school announcements, because little did I know there was an assembly later in the day, and school assemblies mean loud noises, undulated crowds of writhing peers, and in my paranoid fit I dreaded knowing the fact that by sitting with my friends, anyone could talk to me from anywhere at any time with no warning, and most likely I wouldn't even be able to see them clearly with my blurred vision. I suffered through my hour and a half of paranoid panic attack and swore on the spot that I wasn't just going to take another break-I was DONE. This stuff had proven to be stronger than me, and I decided that when this round was over I was out of the fight for good. It's much better that way when you're talking about a fight that certain people like myself just can't win.

I knew the worst was yet to come though, and I dreaded the onset of the even more elevated levels of paranoia and whatever else the beast had up its sleeve for me. I got home, decided to try eating something (in my Adderall binge I had completely forgotten that I hadn't eaten in nearly 3 days). Well, this next occurrence is definitely a confirmation to me of Adderall's true strength-After swinging open the refrigerator door too fast while in my hazy state of slow-and-fast drifting, the refrigerator seemed to have just hurt me, not because I opened the door too fast and hit myself in the forehead with it, but because it was HELL BENT ON KILLING ME. This would be, with my best guess, a heavy example of the types of full-blown psychoses that many unfortunate long-term abusers experience. For about 10 minutes I had a full-blown hallucination that I was being chased all throughout the house by a possessed refrigerator with razor-sharp teeth and just couldn't escape. I really lost my grip on reality and thought I was going to die. Thank God my uncle got home right then and helped me get my visual and hearing perceptions all the way back to base before I ended up doing something utterly stupid to try and save myself from the evil fridge.

If deciding to stop abusing a drug begins with some sort of 'last straw', my refrigerator psychosis would definitely be it. I'm done for good with stimulants of any kind (I have had long-term phobias of my heart working too hard and stopping, and don't think stimulants seem to exactly be my cup of tea from what I've heard). From now on I'm going to keep to weed and tripping responsibly in safe, friendly environments.

Adderall, my problem child...

Exp Year: 2007	ExpID: 62363
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Mar 18, 2010	Views: 17,403
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Amphetamines (6) : Not Applicable (38), Performance Enhancement (50), Addiction & Habituation (10), Bad Trips (6), Retrospective / Summary (11)