DOSE:	3 - 4 hits	oral	LSD
	repeated	smoked	Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

135 lb

Deciding Not to Suicide

My experiences on acid all blend together in my mind. I took it about six times during my Freshman year of college. I took three or four tabs of acid in each experience that contributes to this report. One tab of this acid was enough to have minor visual distortions like breathing ground and walls, but no other real hallucinations. It was a time of much depression and self destruction in my life. I took acid to try to obtain some life experience before I went, despite my extreme disconnectedness from other people, I took acid in hopes it would push me over the edge and make me suicide, or allow me to wrap my head around the concept of death more completely. I believe acid could potentially be a very positive experience that contributes permanently to the taker's outlook and happiness, but due to the mental set I went into it in, my trips were obviously a bit darker.

Generally I would wander in the woods and fields while on my trip. I would usually plan on not smoking weed so as to be more clear and focused trip, but wind up smoking just about as much as normal anyway. During this time I was smoking about an eight a day, and really was quite addicted to weed as pathetic as it may sound. As I walked and smoked there was a great sense of newness, new thoughts came to my head and all the little details of the trees and leaves would appear clearly to me, and I would sense my presence moving through the environment.

I remember once I was walking, high on acid, and it was a redish dusk. I became more and more frightened, I felt something was after me, I began to get the urge to run, to flee, to get away, but I had no where to go and nothing identifiable to run from. I distinctly felt hunted, like some animal was stalking me and my survival instincts were kicking in for a coming fight. Then I realized the force trying to kill me was myself – and it was true. Since then I have been conscious of this extremely destructive part of my personality, for better or worse.

I remember once putting my hands to the earth to feel the ground while walking on a dirt road that goes through the forest in the black of a upstate New York night. I was searching for some sort of spiritual sense of connectedness to the earth, but I was struck with a very clear feeling of “it's just the ground.” I saw myself as creature cursed with a desire to find meaning in things due to being a human, and realized how in the giant empty sky above, and in the layers of dirt and rock below, I was the only thing near by that “cared,” and how comforting the artificial concept of being loved by God is.

Other times I experienced what is like to lose attachment to everything, to mentally say good bye to yourself, to your surrounds, to “seeing” and the experiences provided by the various senses. These experiences made me lose my fear of death, and made me feel like I could easily suicide if I wanted to, all I would have to do is reoccupy a similar state of mind of dissociation from my self and from senses (pain.) Yet obviously I did not go through with it, I knew in a way it would be “wrong.”

I thought about questions of “right:” and “wrong” anew and non dogmatically. It seemed silly to really make any sort of rules about right and wrong, what is wrong is clear and easily understood by intuition: basically it is causing pain to others, but as I said there is no rule. Yet even so, I felt I would be justified in the amount of pain I would cause to others if I took my life as compared to the amount I would relive myself from; hardly anyone knows me anyway. It just did not seem like my body was quite 100 % my own so as to entitle me to make the decision to destroy it.

Despite the generally bleak nature of my acid revelations, I gained an appreciation for life as a force. All the above preamble is really an attempt to make this point clearer, as I find it difficult to put to words. I felt sure that it is impossible to understand what exactly “life” is while alive, but there is clearly something driving my heart to keep beating that was not my brain or my body exactly, but some power that constantly flows into me from somewhere else. I am a complex form of this life energy, but it is the same thing that reaches from the ground towards the sun in the form of trees. And it tries so damn hard, this “life,” and that seems incomparably more important than my own will to live or die, which comes from a small part of my conscious brain.

Exp Year: 2007	ExpID: 69922
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Oct 28, 2020	Views: 731
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LSD (2) : Alone (16), Depression (15), Retrospective / Summary (11), Combinations (3)