DOSE:

1 hit

smoked

Salvia divinorum

(extract)

BODY WEIGHT:

120 lb

Nothing prepared me for Salvia. No previous psychedelic experience, no brave thoughts, no earthly wisdom. One must go into it with no expectation whatsoever, no matter what you've read about it. I am moderately experienced with psychedelic drugs, having taken LSD several times. However, LSD in all of its intensity never takes me this far. I had been reading many trip reports and despite the warnings, I decided to see what Salvia had to offer.

I am not sure as to what could have caused my bad trip. My setting was nearly ideal: I had a trip sitter, my boyfriend, who has had several experiences with Salvia. The extract might have been too strong, but I was really eager to break through. Perhaps it came on too fast, left me no choice as to whether to enter that threshold or not. I might have been too tense or nervous. Although to be honest, I really don't think it mattered what I thought before I took the drug, because all of those thoughts were gone out of the window anyway seconds after I took the hit. Regardless of my intentions, Salvia chewed up my consciousness like a toy and threw me back into reality just as violently.

I took the hit while laying on a bed in a very dimly lit room. My boyfriend held the bong for me and lit it. Light classical music was playing in the background. The sticky smoke filled my lungs and I laid back, trying to relax and counting to 20. I was anxious; trembling. The feeling of my heartbeat resonated through my body. The point of no return had passed, and could sense something intense was about to happen. I got to 16 and exhaled. The thick cloud of smoke was the last thing I would see as my vision started to tunnel and then, my reality disappeared.

I do not remember what I experienced in the first few moments of the trip. It was like entering a deep sleep. I no longer remembered what I had done just moments before, that I had smoked salvia, or where I was in the actual space-time continuum. I was in a primal, oblivious state. There was no trace of previous thoughts or anxiety. When my hallucinations started, I did not find them to be conspicuous. It was rather like I was playing a game. I peeled off what seemed like a long red rubbery strip that was actually a part of my arm. It had a distinct > shape with rounded edges and seemed to be endlessly long. I vividly remember that it fit into my body like a piece of a puzzle, like this >>. I did not think this was weird. When I peeled it off, I threw the end of it towards the next 'person'. It was like playing a game of catch. I felt at ease, and I think I was actually laughing. With each moment a new dimension of this hallucination would reveal itself. For a split moment I had the feeling of being in the backyard of my childhood home, where we had a little plant garden. This was just a fleeting serene moment. When I had 'peeled' off my strip, I had the sense that it triggered a pattern somewhere far away, where another strip was peeling.

Slowly I realized that I was a part of a pattern, and that I had been contributing to it by playing the game. I had a vision of a gigantic zig-zag pattern that was formed by colorful strips, and all the people were a part of it. Everything was a basic color like red, white, purple, green, or yellow, and everyone was wearing these modern sporty clothes. I was at the edge of the pattern and I saw my strip as if from a bird's-eye view, as it peeled away. Just as my strip rearranged itself, it was another's turn to peel at the opposite side of the pattern. It was perfectly balanced mathematically and aesthetically. It looked somewhat like this:

> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ / / /
\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ / / /
\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ / / /
\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \/ / /
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\<--infinity this way ->
\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
\ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \ \
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/me\/\
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / |\ \
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /| | \ \
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / \ \ \ \
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / \ \ \ \
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >


I do not remember the transition between this first hallucination and the second. Perhaps the change was caused by the fact that I was starting to become aware of sensation again. While the first hallucination was more like a floating dream, more conceptual than physical in nature, this felt entirely different. I remember distinctly being aware of the taste of salvia, but not of the idea that I had smoked it or that it was even a concept. I became aware of a scraping sensation, thick layers being scraped away row by row. It was very physical, very real . I became aware of layers of what seemed like dirt or soil, with strips of thin plasticky-rubbery material layered evenly inside the soil. My perception of it was 2-D but also in several different dimensions at once. It was tightly packed, and with each strip that was uncovered, there would be more to come. There was this feeling of it being 'pretend'. Like it was art or a game or a show. This space was entirely self-contained, with no reference as to what lay outside this layered dirt. In fact I realized that I was a part of this scene. I was inside those thin strips, in between the soil. Each time a layer of dirt was dug up, it would uncover a tiny portion of me, a tiny slice. I became anxious. It wasn't funny anymore, and getting repetitive. I wanted to move. Yet the pattern kept on repeating.

I realized with horror that I could not get out of the layers. That whoever was scraping away the dirt was only uncovering a tiny portion of me every time, and it would be eternity before all of my pieces were uncovered. This was no longer a game. It was a cruel prank, and it came at the cost of my life. I had been murdered, sliced into pieces and buried, doomed forever to be dug up piece by piece by someone who didn't even know I was there. I felt as if I was guillotined, the cold wetness of blood and sharp edge of steel imprinted on my nerves. I couldn't breathe, move, or speak. I could hear the peaceful classical music in the background, completely incongruent with my torture. It was disgusting, yet humorous, like an ironic soundtrack to a violent movie, a la 'A Clockwork Orange'. I was shaking and screaming. I screamed and screamed, hoping that someone, something out there would hear me, would rescue me, but no one could hear me. I had no voice and was screaming inside my own head. They just kept digging away, repeating endlessly. My horror amplified. I felt like I had been played, and there was infinite regret and longing for my previous life, which I knew would never return. I felt like someone was watching, someone who had set me up to this, and they were laughing at me. It was like a horrific set-up and I was the punch-line. I had a feeling it must have been the work of a cruel man in a bowler hat, who liked bad practical jokes. But as soon as I had resigned myself to my doom, it was as if this man had had his fill of amusement and decided to let me go.

It was as if I was coming out of a dark nothingness which was pulling me back with great physical force. I fought it desparately, trying to regain control over my body. Gravity was heavy and I lolled back and forth. I might have spoken something, but my voice felt odd, monotone, robotic. Everything I tried to say felt pre-programmed, like I was reading lines written by a bad writer. It felt strange and alien to hear my voice come out of my throat. 'It's ok, it's ok' I heard somebody say, and felt them pushing me back onto the bed (in actuality this was because I was about to fall off). I felt like a child that was about to undergo some traumatic medical procedure, and the adults were lying about how it was going to be ok. However, at the same time I realized that this was all under control, that reality was still there in some way. My vision was swimming and everything had a threshold dreamlike quality like when I am half-dreaming and half-awake. I desperately tried to hold on. The room started layering onto itself, pieces of time and space coming together in a giant multi-dimensional pattern.

I remembered that I had undergone some experiment, that I had done... Salvia? I had realized where I was and what I had done. I grabbed onto my boyfriend and was calling out his name. Slowly the layering came to a halt like the ending of a giant book. Everything was suddenly normal, inconspicuous, which was such a stark contrast to what had just happened, that I could not believe it. I even had a twinge of paranoia that my boyfriend had turned into an agent of Salvia, but that feeling passed quickly. I was shaken. I could not believe that something like that, something so sinister, so real, so perfectly orchestrated, could be a product of my own mind. Suddenly the whole ordeal seemed almost hilarious. I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry - I laughed, but my laughter had an undercurrent of madness. I actually started rocking back and forth. All I could say was, 'What the FUCK?' I started to explain the trip to him but the words gushing from my mouth seemed stupid and inadequate to me.

My boyfriend and a friend had also planned to trip, but I could not bear this, and kept yelling at them not to take it, because I was too horrified at the idea. In about a half an hour the haziness and paranoia had subsided. I felt normal, grounded, and eventually I was sure that reality was here to stay. I found out that during my bad trip I had been screaming like I was being murdered, and looking straight at my boyfriend. I ended up scaring him quite a bit. He said that he had never seen me look that way before. It was pure, primal terror.

Afterwards the memory of it was like a hazy dream. I had blocked the memory out, but now, whenever I smoke weed, I am able to recall the feeling too vividly . It fills me with anxiety and sadness, that innocent curiosity led me to go through such a violent experience. I am also left unfulfilled, wondering whether I could have seen more if only I hadn't freaked out. I am not confident that I'll be able to handle it better if I do it again. I did not have the feeling that the things I experienced were a 'higher reality'. Rather, I feel as if it was some sort of bad prank played on me by the drug. It was the scariest thing I've ever experienced, but the only plus was that it was over a lot quicker than I expected. It was perfectly crafted and timed, like a piece of performance art made with the medium of consciousness.

I am hoping that over time the shock will subside, but some part of it will probably always linger with me.

Exp Year: 2008	ExpID: 71126
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jan 20, 2020	Views: 3,058
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Salvia divinorum (44) : First Times (2), Entities / Beings (37), Bad Trips (6), Small Group (2-9) (17)