DOSE: T+ 0:00	1.5 tsp	oral	Syrian Rue	(seeds)
T+ 0:35	200 ml	oral	Mimosa tenuiflora	(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

185 lb

First off, here's my experience with psychoactives: Nitrous twice, Marijuana everyday for 2 months, 2.3 grams psilocybin mushrooms once.

But I didn't come here to Mother Ayahuasca for a trip. I wanted answers, as I have many questions, and some very deep confusions and frustrations. I approached this process as humbly as I could, because I've heard how the experience will force you into submission if your head is too big. The problem is, I go in stupid: I have no scale, I eyeball somewhere in between 12g and 25g of mimosa. I measure out 1.5 teaspoons of syrian rue and put it in some water and lemon juice. I follow a simple boiling process I found on the internet. I now drink the Syrian rue, doesn't taste that bad. Horrid, but not unbearable. That is until I get to the bottom, where all the seeds have collected, and every little taste is concentrated tenfold. I compare this taste to sour milk, vomit, and sand. I am very frustrated as I do not think I can down those seeds. This realization, that the place that may be able to help me fix my depression is now unreachable due to my lack of stomach power, threw me into a rage. I told myself, that my time here may end in death by my own hand, and very soon. Because of this, I better fucking drink this shit, I don't care if it's hydrochloric acid.

I drink all 1.5 (well, more like 1.7 probably, I over did it to ensure I got enough) teaspoons + lemon + water. Meanwhile, my mimosa drink was cooling off in the fridge. Now I read about how Syrian Rue doesn't take effect until about 20-30 mins. It had been 35 minutes and I was feeling nothing. I was sort of mulling over how maybe I extracted it wrong, or perhaps I have some weird immunity. I decided to try and down the mimosa in case the MAOI really was effective, just not with any noticeable effects.

Well, I asked Mother Ayahuasca to be gentle with me, and that I mean no disrespect or harm to anyone, ever. I pressed the cup to my lips. I read that the mimosa is easier than the rue to down, and I was looking forward to an easier time. Well, I didn't get that. It wasn't the taste that got me, or the texture. It was the lemon juice. I poured way too much lemon juice in the original mix. My god I tried, but my mouth puckered up too much and I couldn't get any down my throat. I ended up drinking about 200ml out of 800ml of the dose I'd made. By the time I washed the glass out, I was having some stomach discomfort.

I thought, 'what a waste.', as I'd just be wandering around my house in a normal state of mind with a big stomach ache. Not even a syrian rue mini adventure...

Well, there I layed on my couch, unhappily trying to wait out my nausea. A small wave of something started to come on...like a marijuana high. I always could milk my marijuana highs to their full extent by closing my eyes and sort of willing the high to get more involving. I decided to do this. I started seeing faint fractals, but they weren't strong. To describe it I'd say they were in my mind's eye, in sort of the realm I transition to when I nod off into a dream. I was debating whether or not I was just seeing what I wanted to in the darkness because of the rue. I don't know, when I opened my eyes my body felt like it was filled with concrete. I said 'this is so stupid, just a high, this is worthless and predictable'. I got up, a little woozy, a lot sick, a lot heavy. I walked down the hall and I thought that it'd be a good idea to go next to the toilet just in case. I grabbed a bottle of water on my way and as soon as I entered the bathroom I felt this mack truck just come out from insides and slam out. It was the most powerful thing I've ever seen. I've only vomited 1-2 times in my life, little spits. This was more like...I am honored to have had this come out of me. I've never felt something so powerful.

I did it once, and my vision turned green and purple. I was sort of getting scared now, because it was so much stronger than I expected - and I didn't even drink all the mimosa. It went through my nose, and burned. I was stunned, and I stuttered out 'pl...please' and again the vomit cannon fired from my entire being. 'Please, Mother, be gentle to me, be gentle to me'. The vomit and nausea was gone, and I felt like a sentient *something* really did back off as I asked it to. I felt humbled, and thankful, and invigorated. I got up feeling energized and completely clear minded and sober. I marched excitedly to the washroom to put my vomit covered clothes in, all the mean time thinking how great it was to have my ass kicked like that, and it would do many people good, and how perhaps that was this trips lesson, to approach this with much more humility.

Well, about 2 minutes later, I walked past a mirror. I continued my conversation about how great vomiting, despite the fire burning in my throat and nose. All of a sudden I sort of got a stoned feeling again. Exactly like on the couch. I thought, 'oh no, i thought it was done', and quickly reversed it, remembering my great lesson: 'Mother Ayahuasca, if it is your will, and you think that I need it, then please take me again', even though at that point the idea of puking again like that scared me more than anything.

This is really where the trip started. I'm pretty sure it was not anything more than a syrian rue stone, but it was definitely themed the same as ayahuasca trips. Perhaps that 200ml of mimosa was really just sort of a dash of spice to the syrian rue trip. But most of the trip was spent in the shower, coming to conclusions through absorption consciousness, about the nature of reality. I could feel, and sort of 'see' things, though my standard visuals were still there (more pronounced colors and textures though). I could voluntarily switch out of my left and right brain, and then bring them together and see how everything is just a different facet of physical reality, how I am just a puppet. Plugged into me, is me, but I am not me, because when I finally find me, I am the whole, just like everyone else is. One problem I had going in was the question: Why does everything in one way or another seem so superficial and fake? Well my answer was that, because it is, but at the same time it isn't. And that the true self, is not an individual self, but a single source. I was frustrated with this...Why can the individual experience feel so bad, yet I do not yet feel like I am ready to just give up my individual experience to return to the source?

I saw the birth and death cycle, and how...I go out from the source into physical experience, and gradually fade away from confusion about the nature of my existence over many lifetimes, and then I start the return trip, and gradually sink back into questioning why and seeing through the superficial nature of physical existence. Then, I finally am free, when I reconnect and become one again and end the physical incarnation cycle.

But that's not free...or is it? I don't know, I still have many questions. I fear this experience, but I am attracted to it again. But a taste did I have. 40 minutes of an intense consciousness quest, 1.5 hours of a buzz. During which, I felt like a kid, yet I felt like a wise old man, but the entire time I wished I didn't feel like either. I wished that I could just exist in a way where I wouldn't have to know, or ask questions, or search. I think that, was the part of me that is ready to reconnect with the source and stay.

I have many questions still.

Exp Year: 2008	ExpID: 74800
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Aug 25, 2009	Views: 10,503
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Mimosa tenuiflora (74), Syrian Rue (45), Huasca Combo (269) : Alone (16), First Times (2), General (1)