DOSE: T+ 0:00	6 g	oral	Alcohol
T+ 6:30	40 mg	oral	Pharms - Methylphenidate
T+ 7:30	20 mg	insufflated	Pharms - Methylphenidate	(ground / crushed)

BODY WEIGHT:

130 lb

Some experiences truly change you, many times they don't, and you just keep on strolling through life without learning anything. This wasn’t one of those times. A little background on me. I'm 19, live in Washington, and before I tried alcohol, which I've learned can be a gateway drug, there wasn’t a more anti drug person then me. I was the DARE poster child with a vengeance. I've now had experience with about 8 or 9 drugs, not including copious amounts of alcohol. I've had both amazing experiences and not so amazing, but nothing this scary.

Setting: A muggy July evening in my 2 bedroom apartment, where I live with my girlfriend, who we’ll call Jessyka.

Mindset: I’ve had clinical depression for years, along with a few others, including 2 anxiety disorders. I've been a self injurer for about 5 years and, honestly, it’s pretty bad at this point, I currently have an 8 inch long, 1 inch wide cut healing on my leg. I was happier than usual because of excitement for the upcoming experience. A little nervous because I hadn’t tried a dosage this high.

Jessyka was diagnosed with ADD and had been prescribed Ritalin for years but had stopped taking it due to the side effects, though she still liked to keep it just in case. We went to the pharmacy and picked up her supply for the month. 60 tablets of 10 mg Methylphenidate, just a generic brand. At first I had no intention at all of trying them, didn’t even cross my mind, but it had been awhile since I had tried anything new. About 3 weeks before I had tried 300 mg of DXM, which, while it didn’t have much effect, I could defiantly tell it had potential. About 2 days after getting it, I snatched the bottle from her purse and took 15 pills. I know I know, I should have told her, but I didn’t want to create any drama and I always do lots of research before I try a new substance so I thought I would be fine and she would never have to know.

That night I tried it for the first time; I started low, taking 2 pills orally at about 7 PM for a 20 mg dose. After an hour with no noticeable effects, I gave it up and decided to try again. This was a huge mistake, as I hadn’t actually tried doing anything and just sat on the couch, thinking it hadn’t worked. Looking back, I wish I had, I might have a very different relationship with Ritalin, though, I don’t think it’s a bad thing.

Fast forward to the next day. At about 2 PM I had 6 Mikes Hard Lemonade (hey, don’t knock it, its fucking delicious and It’s still alcohol). Fast forward again to about 8 30 PM. I was over the worst of my hangover and knew that, while a stupid thing to do, there was a low chance of any serious effects of mixing alcohol and Ritalin. I knew that the alcohol was by no means all out of my system, but I didn’t feel like shit anymore so I went for it. I hadn’t eaten much of anything that day, just some bread and water to help with the hangover.

Again, my mindset was excited yet nervous, my depression forgotten for awhile. I went to my closet and grabbed 6 pills. While Jessyka was watching TV in the living room I went to the kitchen and swallowed the first 4. I sat on the couch and waited, this time, I felt...different, I wasn’t high...I just felt very...hyper, fidgety and...happy. The usual hopelessness and sadness that I’ve gotten very used to as normal by now was just…gone. I knew it was working. This went on for about an hour before we decided to go to Wal-Mart and get a few notebooks. Driving was also probably an idiotic thing to do, but I drove just as I normally do and had no problems. The happy feeling continued in the store and all the way back home.

Now, I’m a musician and this was one of the main reasons I had decided to try Ritalin, there was a singer coming over the next day to try out for the demo that I was writing. I really didn’t have enough material for when he got there and I knew I could get much more done if I took it.

We got home at about at about 9 30 PM and I did a few small things before I decided to take the last 2. I loved the feeling I was getting from the earlier ones but I wanted more, stronger, so I decided to snort the last two. Surprisingly this was my first time insufflating a substance so I was a little nervous. I went to the bathroom with one of my razor blades and locked the door. At first I tried it on a small mirror but it was just cheap plastic and wouldn’t work, so I just used the countertop.

Honestly, crushing and chopping those pills up, then snorting them, was one of the most exciting things I’ve ever done. I absolutely loved it. Everything about the experience. Even still I get excited and I want to do it again when I think about it. After I snorted a tiny bit of water and made sure the bathroom and myself were clean I went back to the living room and pulled out my guitar. I was up to 60 mg. Once it hit...oh my god, the happiness increased exponentially and suddenly I knew I could do this no problem. What followed was something I’ll never forget. For the next 7 hours I did nothing but play and write. I’ve played for that long before, but never anything like this. All my ideas suddenly worked and I became obsessive about it. Jessyka stayed up until about 1 30 then went to sleep in the bedroom.

Throughout the whole thing I had the usual side effects, increased heart rate and the clenching of my jaw a lot. Finally at about 4:30 am I laid on the couch and just watched TV. This is where the experience changed from totally positive to starting to get scary. As I lay there, I noticed my heart was just racing and felt like it was trying desperately to escape my chest. I didn’t move and just started breathing deeply, trying to slow it, which I would do for the next 2 days. I could feel I was tired but didn’t want to sleep and knew I couldn’t. I had expected this and it wasn’t so bad. After awhile I decided to try to sleep anyways. I climbed in bed and closed my eyes, I knew it was pointless to try but I did. That’s when I began to notice my heart was beating irregularly and this was when I started getting truly scared. I continued to try to slow it but it wouldn’t. I began checking my heart rate and it was up to about 121. I tried to stay calm, as I knew how important it would be. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and I woke up Jessyka and confessed what I had done. She was understandably upset and this didn’t help much, right now I thought I was dying, I needed her help, not her anger. We sat there awhile and she suggested trying to throw up. I went to the bathroom and shoved my finger down my throat and just dry heaved till my stomach muscles were killing me. I began to get chest pains and this is when I began to honestly fear for my life as I didn’t know how much my heart could take.

The next 2 hours are the ones that changed my view on a lot of things. I don’t believe there is anything scarier than thinking you’re about to die...and that it was all your own fault. I can’t describe the feelings I felt. Fear, anger at myself, and extreme shame for what I would put others through if I died. I just curled up to Jessyka and started to cry. She called a few people and they all said to go to the ER. I wanted to, but I knew it would destroy my life and ruin others if I did due to not only cost, but the fact that they would find out about my cutting and put me on suicide watch, plus whatever else would happen.

Calling my mom and telling her what I had done was just horrible. I felt so ashamed at myself. I began to get stomach pains and she called poison control. I won’t get into details but eventually I fell asleep for about 30 mins and when I woke up, I felt horrible, my heart was still racing and sporadic and my stomach was killing me, my head hurt. I just writhed in pain, moaning while Jessyka held my hand for about an hour, until I fell asleep again.

When I awoke again, I felt better, but still not good and my heart wasn’t even close to normal. It had slowed to about 94 bpm. I got some food and felt like crap. I was still scared that my heart couldn’t take it. The guy was a no show, which I was grateful for. My heart slowed down and little but stayed irregular that day and I came to the point of starting to drive to the hospital. Thankfully I got through that day. I continued to get stomach and chest pains and my jaw wouldn’t stop clenching for the next 2 days.

While I still have the depression and everything I had before, I’m very grateful and incredibly lucky to be alive. Now, I’m not about to say I don’t want more Ritalin, along with any other drug I can get my hands on, because I do. I crave that happiness, the focus I felt. I crave the feeling I got while making that sweet white line and introducing my nostril to it. I crave it all, but it’s not worth it. All I do is think about those 2 hours I laid with Jessyka and just cried, thinking I was about to die, it’s the worst feeling in the world. I never want to have to have it again and so I’m done with drugs. I honestly don’t know about weed or alcohol, but it’s not likely.

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 80210
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Sep 21, 2022	Views: 827
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Pharms - Methylphenidate (114), Alcohol - Hard (198) : First Times (2), Music Discussion (22), Performance Enhancement (50), Depression (15), Difficult Experiences (5), Alone (16)