DOSE:

repeated

IV

Heroin

BODY WEIGHT:

180 lb

I've been using heroin on and off since I was 18. In Baltimore, there is 'scramble' which is basically sold in gelatin capsules and contains anywhere from 100-300mg of heroin cut with ________ (fill in the blank, but usually quinine, mannitol, sleeping pills, benzos, etc.). It can be damn near anything. A gram of 'raw' (which, no, is not 100% pure, but is just the term for non-scrambled heroin) can yield about 30 pills of scramble, sold as dimes. No one sells 20s or higher of scramble unless its not capped up. Otherwise, there is 'raw' which is just heroin like most people see it around the country and a dime is about 50-60mg. Funny thing is that standard dimes or twenties of Park Heights street raw are probably not as good as some banging scramble. A dime of good scramble will give you a blazing rush and put you on your ass. Thing is I never trusted scramble. So, I had to really search out the good raw or 'blow' as we call it 'round here. So, blow is heroin, because that's what I'm used to calling it.

So, I had all kinds of great jobs and supported a heroin addiction for years. Often times I would compensate by selling drugs, of which I was fairly successful. And over the years, I consistently lost jobs. I fucked up my life in so many different ways it's not even funny. But it always came back to the concept that if I could financially afford my habit, then I would be fine. I certainly rationalized a lot of it, but it seemed to make sense at the time, and having been clean for over a month now, it stills makes a bit of sense.

Thing is this, I've been to six out-patient programs and two in-patient programs and over and over and over again, I would always relapse. I would start getting my life together, and then I would start fucking things up. Maybe I managed to get a job or a car again before I fucked them up really bad, but I always would without drugs. This would consistently lead me back to using heroin. Feeling like I wasn't accomplishing the things that I know I have the capacity to accomplish or starting 39023850294 million different projects and not being able to complete any of them. There was a lot of guilt and shame.

This last time I was using heavy, I had gotten my girlfriend using as well. I told her not to start, but she wanted to, and I guess I didn't care enough to tell her no. Plus, it would've been sort of hypocritical I imagine. I love her more than anything, and through our daily habit, if we only had $20.00, I made sure she was well first. But usually we managed to get money together. I was selling drugs and together we were robbing grocery stores. We managed to support a $200-300 a day habit. In Baltimore, blow is cheap compared to a lot of other parts of the country. You can get some banging ass blow for like $100 a gram, if that. $85-90 is common. Then again, if you're white and don't know anyone who is grinding hard, you're going to find yourself paying like $160 a gram like a douche, but it is what it is -- Baltimore is a very racial city. So, together her and I were shooting about a gram and a half a day each of some banging blow. I would usually do a bit more, as I was dosing her, and was a greedy bastard. I would put a half gram in my arm in the morning to get right. The flowing warmth, boundless bliss. No reasons. No pain. Everyday was another fucking nightmare, but I had my medicine to help me deal with it.

Then, fuck, shit happened. Our families found out, I got arrested over something else, and I found myself in another treatment program. I was so afraid because I knew I would take all the suggestions in the world, probably go to a slew of NA meetings, get a sponsor, do the 90 in 90 bullshit, get a home group, and all the while, I'd just be waiting to relapse again. But, I knew that this time I couldn't relapse. I would literally destroy the last remaining thread of relationships with the people most important to me.

I completed the in-patient program and went to out-patient. I figured, 'something is wrong with me' whether I'm on drugs or off drugs. I really felt like drugs were not my problem, I was my problem. A lot of people had told me this in NA and it was starting to make sense. But then I came back to reality and yeah, they were just as full of shit as they always were. Back to science, fuck spirituality. I took a diagnosis test for ADHD and boy did I ever score high. Over 50 is suggested you have ADHD. I scored 130, highest score was 140. Ya, definitely got that shit. A meeting with the doctor for the program and, indeed, it is true. Got that disorder. For years I thought I had bipolar, one doctor actually diagnosed me bipolar. For years I tried numerous medications and often they made the situation worse. Hopefully this time would be different.

I was really lucky as I was able to get on the right medication almost immediately. They were poised to prescribe a controlled substance to me since I had a history of 'substance abuse,' but soon realized I wasn't abusing it. My whole life has changed. I have the ability to complete things, I am motivated, I have an attention span again. All the guilt and shame I've been experiencing all my life isn't there because I know I'm doing what I have to do everyday and not fucking things up like before. Remember how earlier I mentioned that 'something is wrong with me?' Well, now, nothing is wrong with me. Not when I'm medicated at least. There's definitely a benefit from therapy and I don't plan on putting myself in a room with 50 kg of pure heroin for a week or anything, but otherwise I feel 'cured.' Obviously the biggest test of this is time and that I don't relapse again, but I can say with one-hundred percent conviction that I have never felt this way. On a day to day basis, I don't even think about drugs. And when things upset me and I would've normally thought to use blow to cope with my emotions, I don't think about it then either. I can talk about it and not feel any sort of craving, I've even been around it a number of times recently and had no desire to use it. For someone who has been on and off the train for almost ten years and previously had no self-control at all, that is reaaaally saying something. I would've never been able to be in the same room with someone using blow and not wanted it myself. But now, that's what it is.

And mostly I wrote this to help people by expressing this main point. I know what it is like to deal with opiate addiction from the initial stages to the point where shit is completely fucked up -- homeless, legal problems, dirty-living, all that. I know how to re-build a bit and then throw it all away over and over and over again. And the one thing I am completely positive about from all the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of 'addicts,' I've known throughout my life so far. Addiction is not a disease. Addiction is a symptom of a bigger problem. If you are completely sane and find yourself relapsing over and over again -- then you're not 'sane.' You have some sort of mental disorder or some sort of issue that is directly affecting you on a daily basis (i.e. low self-esteem or anything requiring therapy). Sometimes you just need a change of scenery. Other times you need good ol' fashioned medication. I know hundreds of people who were living the same life I've lived for years and as soon as they got onto the right medication, they were good and never went back to blow or other drugs. Most of them have no problem using drugs with moderation now because they're not using it as a coping mechanism. Then there are all of those who when it got to a point where the negative consequences outweighed the positive consequences, they just stopped without any issue and never went back. For a long time I ignored these facts because I was brainwashed by people saying that addiction is a disease and NA telling me I'm powerless over my addiction and all this other nonsense. You're only as powerless as you let yourself be. If you proactively treat the core issue, you will successfully beat the addiction. It seems all too convenient that in- and out-patient facilities would leave their patients untreated in the area that genuinely matters, knowing these individuals will find themselves right back in treatment soon enough and the facilities pockets' get fatter. Well, you certainly won't find me or the millions who know substance abuse/addiction is a symptom and not a disease back in those facilities ever again. Good luck to everyone and good night.

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 81746
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 27
Published: Dec 2, 2013	Views: 11,196
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Heroin (27) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Addiction & Habituation (10), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Unknown Context (20)