DOSE: T+ 0:00		oral	Ayahuasca	(tea)
T+ 48:00		oral	Ayahuasca	(tea)
T+ 96:00		oral	Ayahuasca	(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

195 lb

November 3, 2009 – the first night
So, I did the first night. I really prepared well and was very empty of food, yet I just didn’t achieve anywhere close to ‘rupture of plane’. Part of me was fairly sober (and bored), part of me was mildly in the tryptamine space. It was okay. The actual group ceremony thing was pretty horrible though. The main woman could sing, but unfortunately she invited everyone else to try to sing, and they did. A bunch of tuneless white people trying to sing while I am sort-of tripping: no thanks. And the angry men started beating the hollow wooden floor in a very bad off-tempo way. Fucking horrible. And it lasted for about three or fours hours non-stop.

But here’s the thing. While it was annoying to be around everyone else’s drama, I sort of found it amusing. On a visceral level it was intolerable, but on a witnessing level it was okay. Just watching all the crazy adults making fools of themselves. Kind of funny. I was laughing a bit. And I realized that the non-dual space of enlightenment is inside of laughter. (what the ceremonial form needed was a court jester. I was sort of playing this role, but only silently and internally.)

I also realized something about how opposites are beautiful. As far as duality goes, for all its suffering and illusion and nastiness, there is some sort of beauty in the dueling opposites. In their relationship. Not one or the other. Like... normal isnt beautiful; absurd isnt beautiful. But the absurd is beautiful in relation to the normal. (its also very funny. And it’s the easy way to get people to laugh. Just show them the absurd. Because it highlights the relationship between the two, and shows how it is all arbitrary how we set up the game, and thus what folly to take things so seriously.)

--
Okay, so now that I've got a gentle reminder of what the tryptamine space is like... I need to revamp my mission.

What the hell is this all about? What am I looking for? And isn't it the core error to be looking for something? To be so foolish and self-serious to always think that you need ‘healing’? I mean... because then its just endless. Always more to look for, more to heal. So to what degree is that nonsense and to what degree does healing and integration need to happen?

I'm now re-aware that the trip can very much be a cooperative thing in that I can steer it certain ways. I would prefer it otherwise. Like the plant just takes you where you need to be taken, and you can fight it or go with it. That’s easy. But I need to be ready if there is a choice of destination.

Do I really want/need to chop off a few heads of the hydra? Won’t there always be more shit to deal with as far as personal history and wounds go? So that seems silly. But I guess that is what I am tossing around: personal vs trans-personal. How are they related? Which is more wise? Do you really have to nail down every single personal thing before you move on to the bigger picture of the trans-personal? Maybe the answer is... yes, but you can nail them all down in a single blow if you use a big enough hammer. Like, if you really connect with the core of forgiveness, then everything is forgiven. Okay. I like that.

I would like to reshape my intentions and goals thusly:

First of all, I would still of course like to remain open to whatever presents itself. To honor each thing by acknowledging it and staying with it. But staying with it how long... I don’t know? Depends I guess. Just important to keep in mind that variable, rather than put a number on it.

And so, I would like the openness to be perhaps less specific regarding death. Its like... now I don’t want to just go looking only for death. No. That seems forced and rushed and disingenuous. But! I would like to keep in mind that death could very well come up (as that is the nature of things), and when it does, I would like to be open to it.

By open, I mean I would like to be the cheerful witness to it. Not pull it towards me, nor push it away. But just be with what it presents.

And with the death thing, yes... I would like to approach that with the black hole strategy: allow it to kill me. Watch it kill me. Smile the uncaused smile. But do not force it to kill me. Do not die; but let it kill me. No doing. Only being.

So, to answer my own question: I am not looking for anything, indeed. I am not in desperate need of healing or integration. Everything is cool how it is. However... I understand that it would be wise to keep my eyes open, witness, and pay attention. I am not looking for something, but if something presents itself: okay, there it is. I am not needing healing, but if healing wants to happen, okay then. This seems like a well-grounded strategy.

November 5, 2009 – the second night
Well, the second night of the tea could be described as “close, but no cigar.” but sometimes no cigar is okay. It was closer than the first day, but still no rupture of plane. Very close though. Maybe a tiny rupture of sorts for just a little bit. And thats fine. Because it feels like I'm building up to something. The big one.

But this time I learned more about what my part is for this whole dance to work: I need to give it empty open space to happen. And I got a helpful angle on this: empty space is infinite, and thus can always accommodate. I just have to allow its boundaries to expand (or perhaps dissolve). Because the thing about empty space is that its very tempting to set up your own furniture. But then there's no room for anything else to come in. And so a way to deal with that very natural tendency of the mind to set up house is to let it set up, and then take as many steps back as you need in order to give more space.

Now, I know that at first this might not seem to work because the ego will just fill up that bigger space with more junk. And this is true. But two things: it is only true up to a point; the ego is finite and does run out of material. It has to run out no matter how big it is because that is what finite means. And second, I really need to appreciate how generously accommodating infinity really is. Let it work for me. Keep telescoping backwards to surround the ego with plenty of elbow room.

Let the ego be there, but understand that it is always dwarfed by the empty space around it. ‘the best way to control a wild horse is to give it a big pasture.’

Yeah, so that’s one thing that I picked up on last night. Useful stuff. And I will bring it bear on my situation.

Another thing I realized is that the core problem with people is that very few people truly love themselves. Perhaps you could even say that to love yourself is to be enlightened. So, at this stage of the game, it’s a pretty rare thing. And the reason it is a ‘problem’ is because this manifests not only as self-hate, but it is the source of all unkindness. The self-hate gets to be too much to handle and so it becomes projected onto the other. And so, it’s a little unfair to teach people to be kind to others, because this cant happen on a genuine level until people love themselves. That is the source of all kindness.

But what do I mean by ‘love’ and ‘themselves’? Well, I don’t mean that people need to think that they are great. But they need to feel that they are great. And this feeling-realization hinges on knowing yourself. Knowing yourself beyond name and form. Because once you tap into the formless truth, it becomes obvious that you are beautiful bc you are god. Its very simple.

So, to deal with this you cant really tell people to be kind to others or to love themselves. You can only encourage them to find out who they are beyond name and form. And, of course, surrender is an essential concept in that game. Because otherwise name and form become an endless problem which obscure the truth. But if you can surrender to the truth... well, that surrender is itself the formless truth.

But that’s a pretty tall order for most people. So what else can be done? Maybe letting people know that they are okay just how they are (to borrow a line from the genius of Mr. Rogers). Sure, this will largely be rejected because the self-hate is so deep and hidden that they wont let it in. But... it could maybe help start the process in those that are ready to hear it.

So, yeah, basically the whole trip had a really good vibe (beyond good and bad). God laughing... sometimes silently amused, sometimes chuckling, sometimes rolling on the ground in hysterics.

I easily slipped outside this time. After everyone is dosed, she asks that everyone close their eyes. And I'm out the back door like a ninja. It was beautiful. I cannot imagine how people can deal with the off-key singing and bad pounding/drumming while tripping their ass off. It is just so distracting and unlovely. And it goes on for hours. So, it was super nice to be with the crickets and the dirt and the wind and the bats and the gentle rain. There were a variety of safe dry places under the trees in the garden, and (to the extent that I was me, which was only partially true) I felt so protected. It was sacred and perfect.

November 7, 2009 – the third and final night
Knock, knock!
(who’s there?)
Everybody!
(everybody, who?)
Everybody who drinks the tea
Knows the true flavor
Of the infinite beautiful mystery.

This one is an inside joke because the tea tastes really horrible. But it also plays off the idea of being able to know at least something about the surface of the mystery, but never inside the mystery itself of course.

Yeah, so... this time there was a cigar. It was infinite and eternal. And I've been smoking it for the last twenty hours or so. Fucking zonkered!!! I will probably not go to sleep for another seventeen million years. Because who can sleep at a time like this? There are so many wonderfully perfect insects and plants to look at. And they all have to die soon because each thing is the living form of its own death. Death lives as you. And this makes it okay because if you are actually death, then you pretty much cant die. I mean, you die, yes. But you live on as eternal death. Like, even when you lose, you win. This is because you are infinite, and infinity always wins. Game over.

Im not too thrilled about the time curve though. In that in order to get super-ultra-zonked I have to drink so much that it simply lasts and lasts and lasts for way way too long. But I do suppose this is one way that it really brings the point home so that I really really get it. And I get it: everything that exists is -already- dead; it just hasn’t actually happened yet in the whole space/time context. Time is a way of stretching out the wonderful illusion of existence. And if I am inside of time, it works really well and things indeed exist. But outside of time nothing actually exists. But this is okay because outside of time there is the infinite potential for anything and everything to pop into time. So… death seems scary and bad from the perspective of time, but really its no big deal at all. Everything is preserved in the timeless and formless space of infinity. God wins because there is no true contest; its always god vs god, because that is simply all there is.

But the interesting thing is that the shenanigans of space/time are sacred simply because they are the things that have bothered to pop into time. They have ‘the formality of actually occurring.’ they are god because they are from god. Little holographic cut-outs of god; genuine, but always with a unique twist in their fidelity to the original.

So this whole insight-into-death thing is the standard two-fold paradox that one would expect. It is both no big deal because it’s literally a done deal, and at the same time it’s a super big deal because it wipes out each unique beautiful variation of god. Sure, there are an infinite number of unique twists, and they’re all cool, so no worries. But if I don’t love and respect the unique twist that is happening -right now- then I don’t ever ever ever appreciate any of the beauty and you miss the whole point of the game.

So, I get all that stuff now more clearly. I. Get. It. (please let the cigar-ride end... I get the point.)

But one thing that I didn’t get was visions or being taken out of myself in any sort of pronounced way, the way people often describe. I was really looking forward to that part. It sounds like it would really do the trick as far as permanent irreversible enlightenment is concerned. But, I was there the entire fucking time. I didn’t float out of my body, wasn’t shown past lives, didn’t hear voices. Nothing stands out of that nature. And I was totally fucking zonked. Maybe I needed yet more, or maybe it just wasn’t the time for that. I don’t know. I do suppose I did get the geometric tessellation things, eye open or closed. But that’s not all that interesting. And I tried to ask when the big earthquake was going to be here, but all I got was stuff like ‘oh, wouldn’t you like to know!’ or ‘the earthquake doesn’t even know yet.’ which is okay, but I kind of think that it was just clever little me talking. It felt like me. But maybe it's true and I will be told in some way or another just before, when the event crystallizes. Maybe everyone is sort of told, but just has to listen, because I'm certainly not all that more important than others. And maybe I'm not told at all and I just simply get squished or I don’t. That’s no fun though. Tell me instead.

And with the whole past lives thing, I guess I decided at some point along the line that I just didn’t care and that it wasn’t important. I mean, sure, it's sort of interesting, and the ego likes it because with more lives you can have more problems and things to fix. But I realized that in the final analysis that right now I am me and I am perfect and I am sort-of enlightened and I'm pretty confident that I will meet my death with grace because I've done my homework and that’s that.

I mean, I got the whole enlightenment thing. I directly understand that I am infinite, that I am the infinite space in which enlightenment happens. Its just that its not a lasting thing for me at all, and the mind keep chattering uselessly. Whereas I'm much more interested in the useful form of enlightenment in which the mind isnt hushed but simply does not have the burning need to keep chattering, and so it stops on its own. As a permanent way of being. And this is a good and useful thing--not an egoic attainment--because then I can truly honor the present moment as it spontaneously arises, rather than second-guessing it all the time. And there is way more natural intelligence and grace in that. I know. I can do it sometimes. And when I do it, what I notice is that the right answer doesn’t come about by thinking simply because I just don’t know what the present moment’s actual question will be. I just think I know, and I think of an answer. And that can get me thru life, but its stiff and false and misses the point. This is why enlightenment is so important and needs to be better taught. It’s the only way to truly acknowledge the beauty of it all. (the thing about teaching though, is that its way easier to teach others than to teach yourself.)

The hilarious thing about enlightenment is that it is actually way more simple than the ego game that everyone is playing... which is just the opposite of what everyone assumes.

And so I guess for now, I need to just find things that are touchstones for the infinite so that I don’t forget my true nature. Because it is only when I reside in that infinite stillness (stillness because I can always re-frame the finite chatter as really tiny and quiet by giving it tons of elbow room ala the infinite generousness of empty space) that I am enlightened ie honoring the present moment by being the present moment. (looking forward to the effortless and permanent variety though.)

Knock, knock!
(who’s there?)
Very good question!

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 82285
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 38
Published: Jul 23, 2010	Views: 6,115
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Ayahuasca (8) : Group Ceremony (21), General (1)