DOSE:

repeated

Hydrocodone

(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

115 lb

It’s hard to say when I began using opiates. All I know is that a few years back, when I was maybe 15-ish, I was in high school, living with my dad, and I realized that certain prescription pills would get me high. I found some hydrocodone (vicodin) in my stepmom’s drawer and took a couple. Then we went shopping. All I remember is sitting at a table eating onion rings, the wind blowing through my hair, and having the most peaceful, amazing body feeling, saying to myself, “This has to be what heaven is like.”

At the time I also drank heavily and smoked pot occasionally, but I never really liked pot because it usually makes me paranoid and makes me think too much about negative stuff. I smoke it maybe once a month at most now. The only other drugs I have tried besides alcohol, pot and prescriptions, are DXM and cocaine (I could easily see myself becoming addicted to coke if it weren't so damned expensive). I want to try mushrooms but I don't think I'm ready yet.

Ok anyway, I moved in with my mom when I was 17 and we lived near my grandparents. I started trying my grandpa’s pills to see what they would do to me. Anyway, I remember looking through all his pills and looking them all up online. He had 10-15 different prescriptions, but after some research, I realized that the only ones with any recreational value were his Xanax, Klonopin, and Vicodin. I fell in love with these prescriptions and began taking them on occasion to get looped. Eventually I got my own prescription for xanax because I have severe social and general anxiety, so I didn’t really take his xanax or klonopin anymore. But that’s another story. This is about my opiate use.

At some point, my grandpa began noticing that his pills were going missing. He would count them and when there were less than he expected, he would hide them. But I always found them, and if they were in a lockbox, I found a way to crack the code. I was becoming a true addict. I knew he needed them so I tried to only take a few at a time. But the feeling was like nothing I had ever felt and I couldn’t stop myself. Even the itch felt good to me. It was just par for the course. One time, I remember coming home from my community college, taking maybe 25 mg of Vicodin, and lying in the grass in the park feeling like... I don't know how to describe it but I can't imagine a better feeling. Vicodin became a numbing agent for my psyche. If I felt shy and took 10 or 20 mgs, that went away. If I was bored, things became interesting. If I was hungover, suddenly I had energy and was excited about life. Me and my friend “Irene” would also find pills from friends or relatives, mostly other opiates, like darvocet and Percocet, and take them together. She is in jail now, though.

My mom has told me it seems like I’m on speed when I’m on opiates. People at work compliment me on my quick, friendly performance (I work at Taco Bell). It makes time go by faster. I can do hard work and endure uncomfortable feelings, both physical and emotional, that I normally could not stand. And I do it all with a smile. The downside is that when I go a few days without any, my skin feels like it’s on fire, I become a raging idiot and a total irritable b*tch, I get this nagging tugging sensation in my stomach that just won’t go away unless I take more, and I don't sleep.

What prompted me to write this was the fact that a couple weeks ago my grandpa began complaining that he didn’t have enough hydrocodone (he doesn't know that they are the same thing as Vicodin or Lortabs) to get him through the month. I have always felt bad about what I have been doing but finally I just told him that I took them, I have a problem, I wish to stop and it won’t happen again. My family knows I am an alcoholic and an addict. It has caused them many problems and it is very embarrassing to me. I feel like a burden on them and a failure.

So when grandpa found out, he was very angry. I could hear him moaning and groaning in the middle of the night, calling me a b**ch and saying how he would never forgive me. I wanted to die and felt like the devil incarnate. I wanted to stop wanting this drug, but couldn’t imagine ever stopping.

The doctor just gave him a prescription for oxycodone to help him get through the month, but he says they don’t help him, so I feel slightly less bad about taking them but still feel guilty. I am on 10mg of that right now.

Opiates make me feel what I imagine normal feels like to other people. If only I could have this sense of peace and contentment in a sober state. I am also an alcoholic. I went to my first AA meeting on my 19th birthday but am scared to go back.

If you have an addictive personality, please never try opiate drugs or any kind of narcotic because more than likely you will get addicted and your life will become a hell. It will become your God, the only thing you truly care about. You will steal, lie to your loved ones, and do things you never thought you were capable of doing. They really help some people who are truly in pain but it is a slippery slope. I wish I had the coping skills to never drink or take any drugs again. The only drugs that I plan to take in my future are entheogens like mushrooms and peyote. Opiates have no spiritual value. They are a slow death.

Well that is my experience. I am only 19 years old. Hopefully I will be able to kick this while I’m still young, but right now I need these to keep me going. But if you are addicted to opiates or anything else, stay strong, I know the sh*t you are going through.

Exp Year: 2010	ExpID: 86470
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Nov 25, 2015	Views: 3,362
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Hydrocodone (111) : Various (28), Families (41), Addiction & Habituation (10)