DOSE: T+ 0:00	2 tablets	oral	MDMA
T+ 1:00	2 tablets	oral	MDMA
T+ 0:00	1 hit	smoked	Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

150 lb

It was a typical november weekend when I received a text from a friend of mine, S. She and I had recently became closer friends having only been acquaintances in high school, mostly because we had recently discovered we were attracted to each other. She told me this was her weekend off, her first in a long time and wanted to do ecstasy. We headed to party town Arizona and picked up 6 'red labradors'. I took 2 to start since they were single stacks, and she took 1.

We arrived at the party and just went off doing our own thing, talking to friends and meeting new people. After an hour we both took the rest of our doses feeling the come up. I've rolled several times before and have always found the come up to be a rather unpleasurable experience as it makes me feel anxious and very weird. This time although, my mind seemed to come up at the same time as my body and I felt pretty happy about this. I went out with a bud of mine to the car to take a hit of some MJ. In the car I began to notice all the signs of an impending roll. My breathing became louder, and I could hear my excessive swallowing and breathing clearly. I took a small hit and went back inside with my friend.

I sat in the living room and got a massage from another one of my lady friends who I had been intimate with before, she was very good at giving massages but this is when I noticed things were different. Where she had used her nails to scratch my back during the massage I had began to feel an intense burning sensation. If there was a polar opposite of the pleasurable sensations of touch on ecstasy, this was it. It was pain, no doubt about it, but she had barely scratched my back. I sat on the couch and I began to worry about what I had consumed. My friend S seemed very happy, and confirmed to me she was still coming up. As I sat on the couch I began to have very strange thoughts, racing and irrational thoughts about random things that made no sense. I figured it was the weed and decided I'd just wait it out. The lights went off and everyone who was rolling at the party got a light show. I remember thinking about how much I loved the song that was on, but found it hard to enjoy because my roll had gone sideways, and overall found the lightshow underwhelming. The lights came back on and this is when things went bad, VERY BAD.

I began to feel numbness in my fingertips and face. Prickling and numbness, then my upper lip began to feel weird, very tense, and suddenly my lips began to involuntarily pucker. I felt this and immediately went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I was horrified at what I saw, my face looked evil and I realized the amount of sideways movement in my jaw instead of clenching, indicative of someone high on meth. One of my older brothers was addicted to meth and I swear I saw him in the mirror, it was terrifying. My upper teeth were showing because my lip had almost curled up because of the muscle tension, but it was also numb and could not feel it. I remember thinking how ugly I looked, I am considered very good looking by all of my friends and seeing this made me extremely insecure. I went out and sat on the couch and tried to hide the disfigurement in my face by leaving my hand over my mouth.

There were a lot of people at the party which exacerbated the situation. While on the couch I was completely silent, trying my hardest to just blend in and not be noticed. This is when my body began to exhibit palsy like symptoms. My pinky, ring, and middle finger went numb and turned into (flexion) my hand, like writers cramp. There was a sustained and involuntary recruitment of about 20 percent of the muscle in my hand causing this, which then spread to my wrist and arm. This caused my arm to turn around and brung my pinky to my shoulder. I could un-do this posture only if I consciously made myself, having to fight the way it naturally wanted to go.

At this point I was in a full blown panic attack, yet somehow managed to sit still on the couch and not say anything. I did this for the next hour until I decided to go up stairs and think by myself about how I was going to live the rest of my life with the nerve damage and disfigurement I had just inflicted upon myself. I went upstairs where it was dark and there was no one. My mind began to fill in the blanks with things that werent there. Not people, but how my mind felt the upstairs should look. I thought I could see the outline in red of everything that was there like the walls and stair railing, but when I went to touch it, it wasn't there. I had an incredibly powerful feeling of impending doom, I also had very bad nystagmus. I began to have unusually clear and realistic videos play in my head about killing myself and people walking in on my dead body and screaming. It was almost as if I was witnessing the future. One scenario was killing myself at the party and causing a whole escapade. The other was going home and seeing that the disfigurement would not subside and slitting my wrist in the bathroom. The feelings were so real and intense that I could literally feel the emotions that would take place in such an event. I don't now how but I just kept myself under control, I knew that if I reacted things would only get worse, and I would expose myself to about 50 people. I went back downstairs when it was dark again and there was another light show going on. I sat on the couch next to a girly friend and she began talking to me, but I simply could not process the simple information she was telling me. It all sounded like gibberish, although I could recognize it as words in english. I kept saying 'what', and she was like 'Jay, what on earth is wrong with you, you look so nervous?' I tried to remain calm and said that it was loud and needed to go outside.

I waited for one more agonizing hour before it was time to go. In the car on the way home I came to realize what we had taken was not MDMA. S was severely irritated, and lethargic. She didn't have the physical symptoms that I did, or the irrational thoughts, although. It was a long drive home and we argued, she refused to take me home as I lived far away and told me she'd drop me off at a friends. I kept thinking about what a low class person it takes to befriend someone like that in this kind of situation and leave them to figure it out on their own. I had never seen that side of her before and it was ugly. On the way to my friends I remember thinking I was going blind. I couldn't process the visual information I was seeing, I couldn't read signs, and my eyes couldn't keep up with the road. It all just felt blank. My jaw became so stiff I could no longer open it or talk, which kept the anxiety from subsiding. I eventually found a way home, refused to look in the mirror, and refused to put my hands near my face in absolute fear that I would still be disfigured. I lied in bed for the next 6 hours unable to sleep, and wondering if I had changed my life forever. I fell asleep and woke up at noon. I woke up with a huge panic attack, realizing the previous night was real, and terrified to see if my face was still disfigured. I touched my face, then checked my lips, opened jaw etc. And all the physical problems had gone away. I felt like I had been given a second chance at life, and that all of the little problems I had stressed over before were insignificant. I felt like I had just got out of a mental prison.

After that event I have always been extremely cautious in the pills I take. I do ecstasy much less often now, and I almost primarily do mollys instead. S and I's relationship was destroyed that night, it raised feelings between us that should never have surfaced, and ruined my attraction towards her. She still tries to contact me but I ignore her because of how she handled the situation, and how I see her now. My outlook on life is much more positive now, and little things seem to bother me less since that experience. I had a glimpse inside of the hell that is meth abuse, and the psychotic effects it and drugs like it have on the mind. I came out okay when it was over, perhaps because I double dosed vitamins and drank a lot of water to reduce neurotoxicity. But anyone else may have been forever changed, forever charred, and that is why taking ecstasy is like dancing with fire.

Exp Year: 2009	ExpID: 86983
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Feb 23, 2023	Views: 418
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