DOSE:

inhaled

Inhalants

BODY WEIGHT:

110 lb

[Erowid Note: Our understanding of the literature is that there is no such thing as safe recreational use of volatile solvents, aerosols and other street inhalants : their psychoactive effects are inseparable from nerve and organ damage. We have chosen to include these reports to help document the real world use of inhalants, but their inclusion is not intended to imply that they are anything but dangerous.]

One time a long time ago, although I can recall it quite well, I was all alone at home and very bored and feeling very depressed. I had a sense of self-loathing that I still have today. But this time I was willing to take risks even knowing the potential dangers and outcomes.

I had tried sniffing markers a few times before this, with little luck. Just a pounding headache and some dizziness. Since the markers didn't screw up I thought I would try glue. I searched a cupboard for some super glue and found it. I promptly took the cap off and began sniffing. The smell was awful, but tolerable. I continued to sniff and began feeling a little weird. A bit dizzy, but no headache. I sat down in a chair and waited patiently. It only went down hill from there.

I began to notice a very strange feeling, one that is about impossible to describe. It was as if I had no brain, or my head was empty. Lightheaded could describe it partially but it was more than that. As if there was a big hole in the back of my head. Not painful, but that only made it more frightening. This feeling lasted the whole time I was buzzed. I was feeling paranoid, like if my parents would be home and they would somehow instantly know and yell at me. Worse though was the thought that I would die. I really thought I would die, but I was already dead on the inside and filled with self loathing so I just accepted death and sat, looking around the room reflecting on past events and my life; what I had experienced, accomplished, what I would miss and what I wouldn't.

At some point I began to feel good, quite good. Not very intoxicated, but happy. I had not a worry in the world and I felt a smile stretch across my face. I dunno how long I was like that. Could have been 5 minutes, could have been an hour. It didn't matter anyways because my mind was so clear, I was not doing anything, and nothing happened, so there was nothing to remember.

Then I heard the key entering and turning in the door. My mother came in and started talking about what she would make for supper. I remained mostly silent out of fear for revealing my drug use. I went up to my room and watched television. I didn't really watch it, I just laid there, still, trying to remain calm and ignore the hideous feeling in my head that I described earlier. I tried to reflect on the past yet again, but I couldn't. Instead I thought of strange things, horrible things. Everything I thought of was fleshy and deformed. Reminding me a lot of elephant man or victims of the Chernobyl incident or victims of Agent Orange. Perhaps even a developing human embryo. It's hard to describe being as there was more than one horrifying image in my head, but they all resembled lumpy, fleshy, weird, disgusting creatures. Freaks. But I deserved to be haunted by such ideas, I was and still am a fool and a burden. But I digress...

Even after the 'high' wore off (more like a low) the vivid images of deformed freaks still disturbed me. I slept poorly as I often do, just with scarier nightmares. I regret this endeavor for a few reasons:

1. The experience was awful.
2. The weird fleshy freaks still haunt me in my nightmares today.
3. Despite thinking I was going to die I didn't even cry.
4. For a long time after I ran a bit slower mentally, I obviously had some brain damage from solvent sniffing.

I don't recommend you try huffing solvents.

Exp Year: 1997	ExpID: 88914
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 16
Published: May 20, 2011	Views: 52,740
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Inhalants (29) : Depression (15), General (1), Alone (16)