DOSE:			Pharmaceuticals	(daily)
	repeated	smoked	Cannabis
	repeated	insufflated	Cocaine

BODY WEIGHT:

250 lb

Brothers

This report is going to be partly experience but mostly retrospective. Hopefully it will help someone make an informed decision about what and how much of a substance he or she chooses to put in their body. I’m including my own experience along with an outsiders viewpoint on someone else. Also, I apologize for the length.

First a little personal history:
I started experimenting with drugs at the age of 14. It has been almost six years since I smoked my first cigarette and almost five since I smoked my first bowl. Marijuana is my drug of choice. I’m perfectly content with rolling up a fat spliff of skunk weed and watching cartoons, eating, and laughing my ass off for the entire night. It fits my personality well and I like to be chill and creative. That being said I’ve tried many different drugs and I’ll generally give anything a try at least once so I’m not new to altered states of mind.

I had a strange childhood. My parents divorced when I was very young and I saw my father every other weekend for a couple days and that was about it. My mom worked all the time so I was often left in the care of various aunts and uncles. I spent the most time with one aunt in particular and my cousin, who will be referred to as J, who is nine years my senior. When I was growing up he was the person I looked up to the most. He got me into music, computers, and video games. We were both only children in our respective branches of the family so we have always been very close like brothers. That is really how I’ve always kind of viewed him, as my older brother.

What I didn’t know when I was younger and he was in high school was the massive amount of drugs that he did and the situations he put himself in. He had a rough childhood, his mother was the kindest, sweetest, most caring woman you’d ever meet in your entire life but his dad was a very bad alcoholic and treated him and his mother like shit most of his life. J’s experimentation began at the age of 14 when he began drinking. He’s almost 29 now and he has followed the path of his father and drinks heavily on a daily basis. He’s spent time in jail several times and this story will begin shortly after he got out for the last time in 2007.

My dad had busted me smoking weed several months prior to this so I was on a tight leash for a while. He didn’t have a problem with me going to visit J like he did with everyone else so I began spending a lot of time up there. I hadn’t been around him in a while because he partied, worked, and had moved out of his parents' house three or four times over a period of a couple of years. When he got out of jail he severed contact with most of his friends trying to avoid putting himself back into the lifestyle that had landed him in jail in the first place. He did well for a while, didn’t drink for 6 months, didn’t touch drugs, attended church regularly, got an apartment of his own, and got a full time job making $50K a year. He had his life in order at this point.

However as with most recovering addicts the transition into relapse began innocently enough. He’d swing by the store and pick up a 6-pack or a bottle of wine and relax. As time passed it would turn into a couple of bottles of wine or a case of beer and eventually it turned into a 5th or two of whiskey.

During most of this I was smoking weed on a daily basis and taking anti-psychotics (for bipolar disorder), various benzodiazepines (for anxiety cause by anti-psychotics and ADHD medications), and various ADHD medication (for treating the lethargy caused by anti-psychotics). I’m off of all these things now and I feel better than I ever did while I was on them.

This is where the story begins of our journey with the devil: Cocaine.

J loved cocaine. I did not know this until I arrived at his house one night with my stuff ready to hang out. He began telling me about how he had partied with his friends the night before and eventually let it slip that he had a baggie of coke in his dresser. When I heard “Cocaine” I immediately wanted to try it. I was 16 and still very much into experimenting and I wasn’t going to pass up a chance to try such a luxurious drug. He said, “Nah, I’m not getting you hooked on the stuff dude. It’s really terrible.”

We drove around and hung out for a bit before returning to his apartment. We put a pizza in the oven and put on a movie. He got up and went into his room for a few minutes and the timer on the oven buzzed. He came back out and took the pizza and out and returned to his seat on the couch. “You can eat that pizza, man. I just did a line so I’m not hungry.” I ended up eating a couple of slices while the movie played and soon he walked over to the couch with a plate with a pile of white powder. It was probably about 2 grams thinking back now.

He did another line and got up to go to the bathroom. He looked at me and said “I’m going to set this plate on the floor over here. If you choose to pick it up and cut a line it’s your own fault.” Naturally I wasn’t going to pass that up, stupid me. I picked up the plate but I had no idea what I was doing so when he came out of the bathroom he showed me. He cut me a small line, probably about 3 bumps worth, and showed me how to roll up a twenty-dollar bill to snort it. The first line I took surprised me because it was nothing like I’d imagined. The powder was very bitter, had a minty quality to it, and I almost gagged from the taste. He told me to wait until it started dripping and that’s when I’d really feel it. The high was very subtle and I didn’t really notice much of anything. This is when I learned the nature of the drug.

Twenty or thirty minutes later I began to feel somewhat sick. Almost like I had the flu, just achy and drained. I did another line and was immediately up. The symptoms completely disappeared and I had the grandest euphoria. The energy was not as intense as amphetamine. It was almost like Ritalin-esque speediness with a massive euphoric rush that was entirely unique.

We didn’t end up finishing the rest of it that night. I stopped after that second line and just chilled out, eventually falling asleep shortly after. I find it very easy to control myself on coke and I can generally sit still and focus on a single task despite the millions of thoughts rushing through my head at any given moment. When I start craving it within 20 minutes of a line I know it’s time to stop.

Pretty soon I was going to J’s every weekend. He’d polish off a fifth of whiskey and we’d go up to the city to score from various people. He would often call his friend who had the hookup. The guy was always really nice and even at times voiced concern to me about J’s alcoholism and drug habits. J doesn’t really care about the guy very much he just uses him to get powder. I’ve never really liked the thought of using anybody, especially if they’re doing you a favor that could land them in prison. I really loathed this quality.

I had some strange adventures and weird encounters during this point in time, way too many to mention here. We found a regular dealer so we became less reliant on his friends to hook us up. I eventually tried crack; though I didn’t care for it much and usually passed it up when that was all that was available. J would drink massive amounts of alcohol when he was lit up. For him, the cocaine masks the alcohol intoxication and makes him feel more sober and alert. When we ran out of cocaine the alcohol would reintroduce itself into his demeanor. He would often times break things, go into temper tantrums over cocaine, and beg me to drive him to the city for hours.

I’d get phone calls at 2-3 in the morning on weekdays from him wanting to go get blow (I was still in high school and could obviously not do this) and when I’d tell him there was no possible way I could leave my house at 2 am on a school night to come hang out with him he acted like there was absolutely no logic in what I was saying and didn’t seem to comprehend that there was no possible way I could do something of the sort and not suffer any consequences. I never gave in though, when we were done, we were done. There was no way I was going back out again.

The thing I always loved about doing blow with him was that we would sit around and talk for hours. We’d talk about life, our own personal philosophies, our respective childhoods and the fun times we spent playing Nintendo, drugs, and whatever else. As I listened to him talk I realized that he was a lot like me. We had always been close but I never realized how very much alike we were. J was my brother and when I did coke with him I felt closer to him than I ever did before. We were just two guys moving through this insane game of life and this was our escape. We didn’t have to worry about anything, we just had to get some blow, snort it, and then keep ourselves occupied with ventures to the store or mile-a-minute conversations. This was one of the most confusing times in my life as well and I was probably subconsciously looking for something to ease the loneliness and dissatisfaction I felt with myself.

For around 7 months this was the weekend ritual. As with all good things though, it had to end. J met a girl and the relationship got pretty serious. I still returned to his apartment every now and then and sometimes we’d get cocaine, sometimes we wouldn’t. At times he would get drunk and be extremely mean to her on purpose so she would go stay with her mom or another friend just so we could be alone and get cocaine. I often felt extremely uncomfortable when I was around both of them because it added a new element to our adventures. I was used to handling J’s drunken antics but she doesn’t deserve most of the things he puts her through. It didn’t become the central theme of us hanging out anymore but he still drank heavily on a daily basis and caused all kinds of trouble. There were nights he would snort too much along with drinking ungodly amounts of liquor and call his mom the next day telling her he thought he was dying because his heart wouldn’t slow down and he hadn’t slept in 30 hours.

When his lease ran out he moved an hour away into his girlfriend's apartment because her mom was paying her rent and he claimed it would save him money even though he now had an hour commute to work every day. He called off of work pretty frequently but still managed to be the go-to guy when he was there. I rarely went and saw him when he lived in her apartment. When I did I’d usually just get stoned while he drank heavily. He eventually got engaged so I began to contact and hear from him even less.

Time progressed and he bought himself a house in the same town he grew up in. At this point I hadn’t snorted cocaine in almost a year. I was in my senior year of high school, had a girlfriend, and spent most of my time getting high, playing guitar, and going to concerts. Something happened to me I didn’t expect during this point in time: I changed.

I smoked lots of pot and I was about mind expansion, peace, love, and happiness. I flushed my negativity down the drain and became carefree and more free spirited than I ever had in my life. I didn’t ever think about coke. In fact, I almost looked upon it with disgust. It became a filthy, hedonistic thing in my mind and I made a point to not use it except on special occasions.

Things changed a lot for me over the next year as I graduated high school and began attending college. I’ve had some pretty rough times lately but I’d still say I’m pretty upbeat and carefree. I’ve become more responsible and independent and I really don’t feel as much of a need to experiment with drugs anymore. Though I still love marijuana.

The time before the most recent I saw J I had a friend over to his house to smoke with me since he generally lets me chill out there if I don’t have anywhere else to go. He told us a story about how he ate 7 Zoloft, did an eight ball, drank a fifth of Jack, and had a conversation with a car mirror because he hallucinated it as a small child. He became progressively more intoxicated as the night wound on and finished his Zoloft prescription that he’d had filled two days prior. I was tasked with driving him to the pharmacy to get the refill; which he immediately dug into. He tried to get my friend and I to snort some Zoloft and DMAA with him but we both declined.

I recently visited J. We hung out and he got me a half-ounce for Christmas. I arrived at his house when he wasn’t there but his fiancé was. She let me in and it was the first time I'd ever experienced pure quiet in that house. He was noticeably drunk when he returned and drove me to meet some friends to pick up the weed. I offered to drive but he got extremely belligerent with me about it so I dropped the subject. He swerved the whole way and ended up on the sidewalk a couple of times denying he was drunk the entire time. We arrived to meet my friends and he wanted to drive us to the dealer’s house. I didn’t want them riding with him because he was shit-faced, I didn’t even want to be in the car with him and I had to make up some bullshit excuse just so I could get him to go back to the house while I rode with my friends who were both sober. I really regret not becoming violent and forceful and just taking the keys from him at this point but I didn't have to regret it too much because he didn't die or get arrested by some act of God. He ended up driving to the city and buying an 8-ball that night while I picked up the weed.
[Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
We returned to his house and did a few lines. I stopped after my third. We bought cigarettes and smoked a bowl and the vibes were turning nasty for me. The alcohol made itself predominant as the cocaine wore off and he began spouting strange obscenities that, though not belligerent, were still annoying and making me anxious and uncomfortable. I was stoned, coming down off of a cocaine high, and really just wanted to chill out on the couch rather than having him run around in circles in his living room coming up with some new insane idea every 20 seconds and sharing it with me by getting right in my face and screaming it. His attention span was completely blown.

I told him good night and went upstairs. 20 minutes later my phone rang and he told me to bring him some bud and my bowl. I took him my new bowl I had just bought the previous week, barely smoked from, and a small nug. 15 minutes later he called me again and told me it fell on the garage floor by itself and shattered. In reality it was because he was too fucked up and missed the table when he went to set it down. Apparently he didn’t think it was that big of a deal to me because he didn’t offer any reimbursement and immediately dropped the subject and began asking for more weed and cigarettes. He snorted two more lines off of the table in his garage. He offered me some but I refused and he began egging me on and calling me a pussy for like 20 minutes. He made a makeshift coke can pipe and put the entire bud on top without breaking it up to smoke it which usually pisses me off because it's a waste of weed but I had lost my capacity for giving a shit. I left him two cigarettes and a small bud and told him good night for the last time.

I sat upstairs and just felt completely awful. I couldn’t believe this person I had known my entire life was in such shape. I felt like I had been enabling this for far too long and I should’ve said something sooner. Either way, it was out of my hands now. There is not a person on this planet that could get him to change his ways at this point.

His mom tried to help him but he wouldn't accept it. She recently passed away so I worry even more about his mental stability. Often times he’ll end up in situations he should be ending up in and I worry about his relationship with his fiancé and the kind of parent he’ll be when he has kids. He was my role model growing up but I am now more mature and disciplined than I think he’ll ever end up being. It truly breaks my heart to see what years of drug and emotional abuse have done to my brother.

That night I felt extremely sickened at the entire situation and just had to get out of that negative atmosphere. I didn’t even want to be there anymore. I got all of my things together and snuck out of the house at 2 am, he was still in the garage doing cocaine. I didn’t call, tell anyone, or even leave a note. I drove to my aunt’s house and finally got to relax.

I realize now the reason I began doing drugs was for the pursuit of knowledge. Now I generally just enjoy smoking pot and relaxing. I’ve tried many things but never had a serious addiction problem even though I’ve gone on every-other day binges for months sometimes. If an individual does not have a firm grip on their mind and that thing that says “No” in their head then they should not use drugs, period.

Drugs are good in the right hands and they allow opportunity for self-discovery, relaxation, or simply just a fun night. Just remember when to put the whiskey back in the cabinet and the powder back in the bag.

Exp Year: 2007-2010	ExpID: 88972
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Mar 3, 2017	Views: 5,437
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Cocaine (13) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Relationships (44), Second Hand Report (42), Families (41), Retrospective / Summary (11)