DOSE: T+ 0:00	120 mg	oral	MDMA	(capsule)
T+ 1:00	40 mg	oral	MDMA	(powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT:

75 kg

Once more, into the breach! The clan has taken off on their various projects so I'm all alone at my house, and once more I'm drawn to my stash of MDMA. The two times I've used it before have been deeply cathartic, and I feel compelled to use it again tonight. In the spirit of science I pulled out a notepad and kept fairly detailed notes as I went along:

0:00 Took a gelcap of 120 mg MDMA after a light meal + some calcium and magnesium supplements for good measure. I'm sitting in semi-dark watching TV, relaxed, all by myself.

0:15 Mild sexual arrousal noted. Semi-flacid, no effort made to encourage the erection. It fades over a few minutes.

0:20 Some analgesic effect is noted--aches and pains fading.

0:30 There is a tightness in my chest, feels very much like a little gas or heartburn. Not troublesome. And suddenly...I can't write. I try to...my mind seems clear, I don't feel high or 'rolling' yet.... But I just can't force my concentration to stay on the paper in front of me. I raise my pen...my mind wanders...I bring back my attention to the note pad...wanders off again. VERY interesting! This experience suggests that there may actually be a period of substantial impairment before the drugs are subjectively strongly felt. A 'stoning' effect before the energizing effect? A difference in +/- isomer effects and the speed with which they take effect?

0:50 Feeling relaxed now, slightly energized. I feel mentally clear and focused. At this point I have no trouble writing again. No noticeable pupil dilation.

0:55 A slight tingling in my face. Pulse measures at 80, blood pressure seems significantly higher but I don't have the gear to test it. Next time I'll wander into the local drug store with their BP testing machine. ;-)

1:00 Oh yah, that's the stuff. I feel light as a feather. Not peaked yet, but undeniably on the way up. Well, let's go for broke: I dissolve another 40 mg of MDMA crystal in half a glass of water and knock it back. Unpleasant taste, but very manageable.

1:05 Again, some sexual arrousal is noted. I sit down and watch more TV and think about it.

1:10 Yes, definately rolling now, although not too hard. The semi-erection is still here, so I heed the wise advice to never let a stiffy go to waste and strip off my clothes and encourage the phenomenon with a little rubbing. Shazam! Hard as a frickin rock! Masturbation feels wonderful. There seems to be a certain loss of sensativity, but eventually climax comes and is tremendously satisfying. I wash up and walk about naked for a few minutes before deciding I should get dressed. Now where the heck did I leave my pants? A look in the mirror reveals full-blown pupil dilation.

1:25 I feel energized, yet not as wired as I felt on my last dose (which was half this size!) taken with a friend there. I would conclude that MDMA really loves people (not in some stupid metaphysical sense, just in its psychological effects on the user) and that how 'energizing' it is depends very heavily on the setting you're in. This may also be a factor in neurotoxicity, ie. more stimulating situations releasing more dopamine. Well, only one good use for energy with nobody else around: Get some excercise! Out the door and walk beneath the full moon! (It's now about 2:00 AM so I don't meet another soul on foot.) The light cloud cover, backlit by the moon, makes for a lovely and surreal setting. As I walk, my mind starts to turn inward, hovering here and there and moving on until....

Yes, that's the sore spot. My relationship with my father. Like so many Americans I had the unhappy childhood that comes from parents who weren't really quite ready enough or emotionally healthy to be having kids. My dad...wasn't horribly violent, but was so full of anger and pain from his own fucked up childhood that he took it out on us, even though he tried not to. To live in fear of a parent is monstrous thing, and feeling unloved is far worse than any spanking. And so, as he had been twisted by his parents, I was twisted...a new generation of pain and fear and rage. My first year in college I ate everything in sight, never exercised, and still lost twenty pounds, so great was the tension I held in check. (To the philosphers who ask if hate can really keep you warm at night, can really give you the will to live, yes, yes it can.)

But over the years I had come to understand the life that shaped him, and he had almost completely changed. And somehow, that was almost worse: If he had been the same asshole I could have stomped him into the ground, spit, and never come home again. But I knew that the person who had hurt me so terribly really was gone--it was pointless to blame the person he had become. But...that's a lot of history to overcome. At family get-togethers we were always friendly, but cautious. No hostility, but no connection, no sense of being anything more than casual aquaintances. It's amazing what sort of nasty tangled crap we manage to force under the surface and go on with out lives as though it didn't really matter to us. But....MDMA doesn't really allow for that sort of emotional denial, so it all came bubbling up. But, thanks to the MDMA, it was completely safe and painless--the ability to accept the pain and move past it without fear. It was clear to me that the anger I had held onto for so long was only harming myself--it didn't serve a single damn useful purpose on earth and I was only holding onto it because letting go would seem like the past hadn't really been important, that I was just being silly and should just ignore it like a good little trooper.

Well, it's not healthy to supress the past--the only real way to get over it is to come to terms with it. And slowly, like working a nasty psychic kink out of a hose, I forgave him...and forgave myself for my own anger. I wanted to call up my folks and tell them that I loved them, that I had understood why they had been the people they were (and had for some time) and that while I might not be able to forgive who they were I loved and forgave the people they had become. It was a rare and beautiful moment of emotional clarity, that, looking back a week later, was entirely legitimately based (if a bit over-enthusiastic). If it hadn't been in the deep middle of the night I probably would have hopped in the car and gone to visit them (although I wasn't sure how they'd take the whole drug thing--I was always the 'good' kid.)

Halfway through the walk, remembering the claims of enhanced sense of touch for MDMA, I start to rub with my fingertips around my shoulders and back and neck--and feel my eyes start to roll back in my head and my knees almost buckle! Holy crap! It wasn't pleasure in a sexual way...more just like a good backrub raised about an order of magnitude in it's enjoyability. I wish I had a masseuse handy!

3:05 Back home with my notebook. Pulse is about 85.
Some jaw clenching so I pop in a little plastic dental shim I've had for years (an 'NTI device'), which works wonderfully to keep the clench under control. I put on some music (Wagnerian opera, chased by some Radiohead and a little new-age stuff) and lay down on the couch. I'm still very much 'up', eyes fully dilated, but not 'speedy' at all. As I lay in the dark and listen to the music it's as if I'm hearing it for the first time, with a new richness and vibrance, as if I had never *really* heard it before. Is this how babies see the world? As the music plays I think again of my parents and the need to heal the rift. I'm finally ready for it...and I think they are too.

4:20 Still buzzed, but coming down a bit.
4:40 Partly down, eyes still fully dilated.
5:45 Just slightly buzzing. Still dilated.
6:30 Down. Pupil dilation back to normal. The 'high' is clearly gone, yet I still feel almost completely open emotionally--my guard isn't back up yet. A rather long roll, but then, it was a rather high dose (about 2 mg/kg of body weight, starting to get within shooting distance of the most conservative estimates of where neurotoxic effects might start to appear. Be careful, kiddies--keep your dosing light and infrequent.)

Post-facto: Well, it's a week later. I felt a little tired the next day, but nothing bad. Perhaps just a hair emotionally sensitive for a few days afterwards, but no more so than for much of my life. I feel no real urge to use MDMA again--you might say this last experience was what I realy needed to get out of it. I'm sure I'll use again at some point in the future since it's just plain good fun, but the powerful drive to seek this altered state, the conviction that there is something terribly important waiting for me in it, has gone away. God, my life would have been so much different if I had access to this drug a decade ago.... But weep not for lost opportunities as long as you've learned the lesson. And as far as my future? Well...I'm not angry any more.

Exp Year: 2001	ExpID: 9305
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Dec 29, 2003	Views: 45,174
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