DOSE:

50 mg

oral

MDMA

(liquid)

BODY WEIGHT:

145 lb

A Glimpse of Molly

I decided to try MDMA, after previously having taken psilocybin mushrooms twice, a low dose of 25i-NBOMe, and smoked weed. I’ve only recently been getting into other drugs, primarily psychedelics, having previously only smoked weed, which I do several times a week. I’m very spiritually/mystically oriented, love to read, a nature lover, a contemplative. I spend most of my time alone or with my girlfriend. My interest in the psychedelics has stemmed from my interests in religious, psychological, and philosophical exploration.

I was interested in exploring the introspective and possible aesthetic aspects of the drug. I plan to use MDMA in a social/dancing situation in the future, but for this first time I wanted to go to my favorite museum, which I had enjoyed under the influence of NBOMe.

Around 9:00am I ingested 50mg of MDMA (a fairly small dose), which was 99.99% pure according to the seller, who seemed reputable. I had read reviews of this particular seller’s product, and many people had expressed how clean and pure the roll felt. I don’t have any experience with MDMA or MDMA mixed with other substances, but the roll did feel very clean. So I mixed the 50mg in a glass of water and drank it down. The taste was very metallic and, well, chemical-ly.

I got ready to go, and about a half hour later, on my way to the train, my body started to feel pleasantly warm and tingly, very loose, the warm feeling spreading out to my limbs. I felt calm and relaxed, like I was sinking into the gentle spread of the drug, as I boarded the train. I sat down in a corner of the train and looked at the people, most of whom were probably headed to work. I was so grateful to share the train ride with them, and I looked from person to person with gratitude and peace, all the while feeling more and more happy. A word that came to my mind throughout the roll was “sugary,” to describe the happiness, and the bliss that it grew into. This became more apparent as I put on my headphones, suddenly seized with a desire to enhance my bliss with music, and a very particular piece of music. I turned on a performance of “Four” on the Miles Davis Quintet’s The Complete 1964 Concert, which is a very fast-paced, upbeat, and vigorous performance. It matched my mood precisely, and as the music progressed, the roll increased with it, flowing over into the next song I chose, “Sky Histoire” by electronic musician Polmo Polpo. I closed my eyes and entered the song, feeling illuminated by ever-increasing bliss and something else--optimism. I am generally an optimistic person, but this was quite intense--my mind raced through a few issues I have been questioning myself about lately, and the answer to all of them was, “I can do it!”

Bright colors played before my closed eyes. “Sky Histoire” ends with a loud “noise” texture that usually reaches an almost unbearable volume when I listen to it on headphones. The louder the ending section grew, the more my bliss increased, until the song abruptly ended and I was convinced that I had reached a peak. It was almost indescribable at this point, especially taking into account what happened immediately after the song ended. I noticeably fell away from the peak, and I felt my mind attempt to cling to the bliss that had consumed me just a few seconds ago. This clinging attempt felt almost desperate, and I had a glimpse of the mechanism of addiction to stimulating drugs like MDMA or cocaine or amphetamines. This was another aspect of the “sugary” quality of the roll--the come-up to the peak was so sharp, sharper than anything I have ever felt, sharper even than a quick masturbatory orgasm . And the falling away was equally as sharp, and a bit scary. I should also say that I don’t have much experience with stimulants--I don’t drink coffee, or even tea, regularly, and my “baseline” consciousness is quite relaxed and mellow usually. So this feeling of stimulation took me aback. I much prefer the feelings I have when on shrooms or weed, that of sinking into a certain equilibrium, rather than shooting like a rocket into the sky. I was a little shaken up by the slight come down as I exited the train to walk the few blocks to the museum.

About 10:00 am: As I entered, I was still feeling a little bothered by this come down, but I was sliding into a less sharp, intense, pointed feeling of bliss, and I felt closer to the beginning of the roll, when my body was loose and warm, and I was feeling a more even sense of happiness. I wandered around for about 15 minutes, enjoying the motion of the crowds, my eyes not resting on any particular artwork, just sort of floating. I felt like sitting down and processing some of my internal activity, so I made my way to a big sun-lit room and reclined on a bench. As I stared up at the ceiling, I approached my internal state with a bit more calm, moving through some happy memories and feelings of gratitude for my life and the people in it.

After reclining and thinking like this for a while, I walked around for about 20 minutes, but still not really focusing on any particular artworks. I eventually decided that I sort of wanted to go home, so I exited and walked down the street, once again listening to “Sky Histoire.” I could feel myself coming down a bit, and I wanted to float along a bit with the song.

Getting back on the train, around 11:00, I decided to try out something I had been reading about--MDMA’s psychotherapeutic possibilities. I had been reading that the drug encouraged empathy not just with other people, but with oneself, and one’s “shadow” side. This is the basis of the current research into its efficacy in treating conditions like post-traumatic stress disorder--the enhanced ability to face painful and traumatic memories with less fear, and more empathy for one’s own fears. So I closed my eyes and visited a particular negative memory-complex that bothers me every few days or so. Sure enough, the fear and resistance that always accompanies my encounter with this part of my shadow had vanished, and I could dialogue with myself lovingly, and embrace the pain of the memory. This delighted me, especially because this reduced resistance remains with me, even a few weeks after taking the drug. It’s nice to know that I could use MDMA, even in smaller doses, as a psychotherapeutic aid.

About a half hour later, I was basically back to baseline. After that initial peak earlier, the come down had been fairly gradual, probably due to the fairly low dose. No hangover or anything (also probably because it was low). I plan to use the drug at a higher dose sometime in the future, probably in a dancing setting. But I will keep in mind the possibilities I tested on my train ride home.

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 95439
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 22
Published: Sep 22, 2024	Views: 34
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MDMA (3) : First Times (2), Glowing Experiences (4), Music Discussion (22), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Various (28)