DOSE:	repeated	smoked	Cannabis
		oral	MDMA

BODY WEIGHT:

135 lb

I am writing this the morning after my experience with Molly. I am still very out of it, partly because of the drug and partly because I’m running on an hour of sleep. I really want to get everything out while it’s still fresh in my mind though, and I’m not sure how much I’ll remember after I go back to sleep. Take note that all times are based on texting conversations I had that night, and are pretty much estimates. I’ve learned from this and will most likely document any future trips.

Background/ History

About three or four months ago, I started smoking weed again after a two year long break from any sort of substance. Before that time, when I was about 14 or 15, I had smoked pot from time to time (about once a week) and had taken DXM once. Now though, I smoke every day multiple times a day, and have been doing so for about three months. Something that also may have effected my experience was the fact that I have diagnosed severe anxiety disorder. I have been able to work through much of it, but I feel like it still effects me at times. That being said, I’ll move on to my mindset for the night.

State of Mind

Let me just start off by saying that I spent the past two weeks mentally preparing myself to do acid yesterday. I was constantly pondering all the doubts I had about acid and tripping in general, and I rationalized everything about it that caused me to feel anxiety. The day came, and I felt prepared, excited, and nervous. I was to be tripping with two of my friends who I’ll call S and J. They are two of my closest friends at the moment, and both semi-experienced hallucinogen users, so I felt extremely comfortable tripping with them.

Well, we were together at J’s house (where we usually hang out, super comfortable vibes), 6:00 rolled by and we still couldn’t get our hands on tabs. Our friend S took a day off work, so we wanted to give him a meaningful experience. We looked for shrooms but again, everyone was dry. We were then told by S’s good friend, who I’ll call M, that she had MDMA that was 98% pure that we could buy it for 10 dollars a person. We did our research and figured that it couldn’t possibly be too harmful for you. So, it was settled. She came over to J’s, gave us the bags and explained how the drug worked. I remember her saying that the first half hour is very intense, but you just have to bear with it. I put this in the back of my mind and S and J took their doses. I opted to wait about 30 minutes and see how they felt, being that I was less experienced and still slightly anxious (and I didn’t want to have to text my drug-unfriendly girlfriend while rolling, but I’ll get back to that later).

The Experience

After S and J dosed, which was at around 8 15, we went upstairs and passed the bong in J’s room. M was going to hang out for a bit, but was not going to roll. I was happy, because she was a really cool kid and only brought good vibes. At about 8 30, S and J they reported feeling slightly off, and by 8 40, they were feeling it. They were all telling me that I had nothing to worry about and that I would have a good time. Still feeling anxious, I held the bag in my hand and sat on J’s bed. M took it from me and wrapped it in a tissue. She gave it back to me and I stared at the small, pill shaped piece of paper in my hand. I was still unsure. “Just do it” she told me. “honestly you will like it... just do it”. I paused, looked around, figured “fuck it” and swallowed the drug.

9:00| T + 0:15

At this point, we were all extremely high from the bud. I personally was absolutely stoned. This probably was not the best idea for the come up of a new drug. As I stated before, I have anxiety, and I felt it during the waiting period. I told the people in my room my fears and they calmed me down. M especially was very compassionate, and made me feel a lot better about what I did. M offered to take us for a drive, as J and S were now peaking. We went outside and I had this absurd feeling in my arms. I swung them around loosely and it felt great. I looked at M and laughed, telling her “I think I’m starting to feel it.” All my anxieties were washed away. I called shotgun and sat down next to her, as J and S got in the back. Let me just say that at this point, S and J both seemed slightly on edge about an interaction they had with J’s mom. I figured it was just the “intense first half hour”, and told them it was all good. They agreed everything was fine and we set off.

During the drive, I definitely felt the drug kick in harder. We got onto a local highway and drove. M was going to smoke the rest of a blunt she had when we were at J’s, so I lit it for her, took a small hit, and handed it to her. I was talking a lot to M, while S and J were enjoying the open windows in the back seat. There was a point where I looked out the windshield, and I realized that everything seemed different. Colors were flush and vivid, but looked foggy. The way they moved across the window was mesmerizing. It was as if I was looking at a surrealist painting come to life. I explained this to her and she told me she understood what I meant. As this was happening, I felt slight angst brewing in the back of my mind. I disregarded it as I tried to enjoy what I was feeling, but the intensity kept increasing. We decided to turn around and head home (not because of how I was feeling, but because we’d been driving for quite some time).

9:30| T + 0:45

Back at J’s I was really starting to feel it. M agreed to make a sale to a friend of mine, so she went home to pick up the bags while we waited at J’s. I looked around his room and everything seemed foreign. I was almost certain that the weed made everything trippier, because I still felt the essence of being high. It was just different. We turned off the lights and lit a candle. I was later told we were listening to Jimi Hendrix at that time, but the music was irrelevant to me. Anxiety was sweeping over me again, only this time I knew it wasn’t fear of the unknown; it was fear of the feeling I had. This was one of my doubts about acid; “what if I dislike the feeling?.” Well, I can honestly say that I was ready to never do drugs again. I kept saying things like “dude, I don’t think I’m doing acid. I don’t really like this feeling. I don’t think I’m a drug person.” I was having typical “bad time” thoughts, like “I shouldn’t have done this” or “what if I stay like this forever”. It was incredibly overwhelming. I felt like I was trapped in a world I didn’t want to be in. A fake, messed up, cotton candy world that I did not like one bit. All I wanted was to be sober.

I didn’t let them know I was having as bad as a time as I was. I lied down on J’s bed. J was talking, and I asked him if we could just listen to the music for a little. This was too much. My mind was flooded with emotions, feelings, pictures, and I had no idea what to do with myself. I felt my eyes slowly close as I tried to rationalize what I was feeling. Then, for a brief moment, I felt what I perceived as silence. Calm, euphoric, blissful silence. And I had the most clear, concise, experience-altering epiphany I’ve ever come across. I remembered everything that I prepared for, and all I had done in my head for the past few weeks. I remembered the things I told myself to do, and suddenly, I became confident. I realized “it’s just this for three hours”, and those words washed through my body and my mind like a cleanser, because after that, it was smooth sailing. I told them about what I had felt, and they said that they too went through a period of angst like I did. For them, it was during our car ride. I realized that THIS must have been the “intense first half hour” that M was talking about. I was at my peak, and I simply rode it out. I let the drug take its course and allowed myself to be truly in the moment.

9:45| T + 1:00

At this time, M returned, and I went with her to make the sale while J and S stayed at J’s house. We had a great, meaningful conversation and I feel like I really got to know her. This was one of my favorite parts of the entire trip. Ordinarily, I’m not great with social interactions. Yeah, I can hold down a conversation, but I always feel pressure to make the other person feel comfortable. Well, I can honestly say that this was the first time in my life that I went into a situation like that with complete confidence. It was nothing like I’ve ever felt before. I was not pressured to talk, I was just talking. Conversation was so easy. There was no tension, no fear of what the other person was thinking, and absolutely no awkwardness. I was literally just hanging out with this person I had just met, and it was an unforgettable feeling.

I also loved this part of the trip because the trip itself was very intense, and because of my mindset, I was able to enjoy it. Everything seemed so vivid and strange. It was like someone turned up the contrast on everyday life. I looked out the windshield at a car in front of us making a turn, and I saw it’s headlight streak across my vision. Incredible. The best way I can describe the scene in my mind is the level “Moonview Highway” from Mario Kart. Literally, that’s what my reality was like. I was in a totally different state I had ever been in and I was enjoying every second of it. It was trippy, surreal, and warm.

We met up with the kids she was selling to. When we first showed up, they were sitting on the curb in front of the house smoking a cigarette. Sitting with them, also smoking a cigarette, was a random middle-aged woman who apparently just started talking to them. I swear the weirdest things always happen when I’m on drugs. Anyway, they got in (not the lady, she walked away) and we drove around a bit. I talked to them like I usually do, as I hang out with them pretty regularly. We dropped them back off and then M drove me back to J’s. I gave her a hug and thanked for all she did for me that night. I really felt compassion toward her. It was warm and it made me incredibly happy. She drove off and I went back into J’s.

10:15| T + 1:30

At this point, I felt myself not quite coming down, but simply cruising. S explained to me why they call it “rolling”. He said how the high comes and goes in waves, and this definitely made a lot of sense with what I was experiencing. I felt the high come back with slight anxiety and unrest, peak out, and then come back down with extreme euphoria and happiness. There was also a distinct heat in my face and chest that I experienced during a come up.

During the next hour or two, the three of us had so many incredible, heart-to-heart conversations. We all had so much to say, and we were very receptive of what each other had to say. My girlfriend started texting me again, which I think caused most of the anxiety I felt as the high was coming and going. She was telling me how anxious she was and how she was having a terrible night. This was a huge hindrance on the rest of my experience, and I would have felt much better if she was out of the picture. Eventually, at around 5:00, she fell asleep. At this point, I was still feeling the effects of the drug but I knew it had worn off. My pupils returned to a normal size (after being absurdly huge for the whole night) and I no longer felt the high. Still, there was something off. It wasn’t bad. Just different. I smoked a little bit of weed, and I felt the roll start to come back slightly. I realized because S said something and my response was “It’s all goooood!!!” which was pretty much the vibe of the entire night. Finally, at around 6:00, I fell asleep on the couch in J’s room.

Reflection/ Summary

Being that this was my first real trip (aside from DXM, which was incredible, but so long ago that I don’t have much recollection of it), there is a lot that I can take away from this experience. For one thing, I definitely have a new respect for Molly. Pure MDMA is not the same thing as Ecstacy, and is alright in moderation. The group I was with decided that we’d do it maybe once a year, or on rare occasions. But it is much more than just a good feeling. It truly put me in a place I was not expecting to go. I also learned a lot about tripping. I realized that sometimes, it’s important to just ride it out and accept a loss of control. I took another step toward my preparation for acid. I’ll definitely use this knowledge when I trip in the future.

I also realized some things that I can use in everyday life. I am just remembering now about a profound moment during my trip. I’m not sure exactly when, but it was a little bit after my peak, when a car filled with S’s friends stopped by while we were all outside. Usually, I see kids like that and think I don’t really belong in their group. I feel like they are above me for some reason. But for the first time ever, I saw them at exactly the same level I was. I realized how absurd it is to think that anyone is above anyone else because of who they talk to or what they do. I still understand this idea very clearly, and I have a feeling it’s going to stick with me.

Finally, I think I have a new sense of confidence, or at least I understand the importance of confidence. In my conversation with M, I literally saw proof of my long-time suspicion that confidence in oneself creates much greater ease socially. Basically, if you like yourself, people will like you. This is definitely something I still need to continue to work on, but last night was a huge step.

Well, that’s basically it. I still have a strange afterglow that is nothing like the hangover I heard about. I feel as though my perspective is different, and I’m still in a continued state of slight euphoria. Last night was an extremely spiritual and testing experience for me, and I know for a fact that I walked away with more than I had going in. With everything that happened, I would definitely say that I’m pleased with the experience, and as long as I'm intelligent and careful about it, it is certainly something I would like to experience again.

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 96771
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 17
Published: Jul 27, 2018	Views: 2,250
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MDMA (3) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Personal Preparation (45), Combinations (3), First Times (2), General (1)