DOSE:

MDMA

If you couldn't tell, I am by nature not an outgoing, feelie-touchie type person, and I have a rather large bubble around me that is rarely penetrated. I seldom interact with other people except at a superficial level, like at work for instance. My perception of the World would be considered by most to be somewhat cold and clinical, but those tenets work well for me in most situations. It helps to insulate me from a lot of the pain but unfortunately most of the happiness that can be experienced in the everyday realities of existence. Other than my wife of almost 20 years and my 2 wonderful children, few people have elicited any sort of positive emotional responses from me. Shutting oneself up in a dark room with thick walls and many locks is a very safe, but ultimately unfulfilling place to be.

I had read about the effects of ecstasy for years and determined that it would be on the top of my list of substances to try. I was absolutely enamored by the thought of attending a rave and meeting this catalyst of Love, and perhaps having a taste of a more positive view of life. Unfortunately the part of the country that I live in is not known as a mecca for the exploration of consciousness.

After my conversation with ecstasy on Saturday night, my entire view of existence was altered and I am still trying desperately to assimilate what was felt. I would like to discuss a few things with you and see what your feelings are on the matter, especially one point that is still bothering me now.

As I am sure you noticed, T. [wife of the host] was one of the people that I bonded most strongly with that night and that fact did and does cause me confusion and guilt. There are some rules that I adhere to strongly, foremost of which is regardless of how attracted I am to the wife or girlfriend of a friend, I can absolutely not act on those feelings. I had a very traumatic experience in my younger years after being seduced by the girlfriend of a close friend, and since then cannot even allow myself to have thoughts along those lines. (and yes I know, seduction is after all a two way street)

Even before taking the X, I felt very comfortable around you two, which is quite unusual since I seldom feel that way even among those few that are considered friends. You two struck me as almost the perfect couple, attractive, intelligent, loving, at ease with each other and the world, and most important, on the same wavelength. Nearly all of the other couples I have ever known never trip together (including my wife and self). It is always the guy who is the explorer, and the wife/girlfriend extends only begrudging acceptance, if that. I found Tracie to be truly fascinating in that she not only allowed your explorations but participated in them with equal fervor. There have been so many times that I would have loved to trip together with my wife, but it is not to be.

Saturday night started well, a great group of people, wonderful hosts, and the promise of something special in the air. As one of the last to converse with ecstasy, I was not feeling the effects until some of the others were already starting to come down. It struck me as rather odd that all of these people, some of which I didn't even know their names, were hugging and touching me as if I was a lifelong friend. This was very alien to me as the code of conduct that I am accustomed to frowns upon physical contact (other than a handshake). Still being in my 'normal' mindset at the time I thought what the hell, I'll just play along and return the hugs, not wanting to be perceived as being overly cold.

It took nearly an hour before feeling anything, and then it was just a mild tactile enhancement. Hmmm, I thought, just another one of dozens of disappointing trips to date, oh well at least the music was good.

About that time T. came downstairs and found a spot on the floor next to where I was sitting on the sofa. She looked a little frazzled and I was wondering if she felt well. Just then, almost in an instant it hit me, the most warm and compassionate feeling that I had ever experienced. I looked at her sitting there and felt Love like I had not felt in almost two decades, she looked like an angel, so innocent and sweet. I had an overwhelming desire to just stroke her hair and touch her, not in any way sexual (I know the difference), but just to make her feel good and be close to her. I reached down to touch her hair when thoughts of 'this is inappropriate and wrong' came to me. How could I be feeling this for someone who was obviously involved in a wonderful relationship with a great guy. It was not a possessive sort of feeling like 'hey this chick is mine', it was more of what I would call an unconditional sort of Love for another person that you feel deeply for. I think I remember allowing myself one quick touch of her flowing blonde hair before having to leave the area and try to put my thoughts elsewhere.

I wandered around for a bit, this time giving genuine hugs of affection to everyone I met but still feeling this underlying sense of something like shame. The feeling of anguish kept growing over the next few minutes until I had to excuse myself and find a spot to be alone. I remember pacing back and forth in the kitchen as this feeling of guilt and betrayal kept building and building. It reached a point of anxiety more intense than anything experienced even during my worst trip. Fortunately as I was sneaking out and getting ready to try to get back to my hotel room, in the blink of an eye I was back down. I was so relieved that this burden had been lifted and I could return to the party with a more clear head and interact with these people that I now felt a real attachment to.

Managed to keep my feelings in check until the next morning while those of us still awake were sitting around the patio and talking. T. was sitting there obviously in some discomfort as she was complaining of a headache. This bothered me a great deal, to see her in pain and not being able to do anything to help her. I fought the overwhelming feeling to comfort her for quite a long time until I simply could not let her suffer if there was any way in my power to prevent it. I got up and stood behind her rubbing her neck, I wanted to do something to help her and this was all I could think of. Remember thinking 'at this point I don't care if this is inappropriate behavior, I simply can't just sit here doing nothing while she is in pain'. I don't know if it helped her or not, and sat back down after a few minutes as the feeling of doing something wrong kicked back in. Not long after that blissful unconsciousness took hold and I was again free of my torment.

Almost 2 days later I am still trying to come to grips with what I felt this weekend. The intensity of emotions has ebbed considerably, but there is this pervasive feeling that perhaps I have done something wrong.

The above was posted on a closed group and the author asked for advice. He reported 2 days of deep depression afterwards and I asked him what advice, if any, had been useful. This is his reply:

Basically it was of some help to find out that I was not the only one that had a painful first experience with MDMA. Several other neophyte and regular users have reported some sort of emotional 'problems' during or after the E trip. A lot of the perceived 'negative' effects can be attributed to excess emotional baggage at the beginning of the trip that the participant may not have been consciously aware of before hand. (myself included) I might add that regardless of the severity of the darker side of the journeys, all people stated that it was all in all a powerful experience that provided some sort of insight into themselves or their relationships with others. A majority of the responses were of a very personal and private nature dealing with individual situations and reactions. I also feel my initial post was of an overly personal nature, but my mindset was such that those feelings could be analysed logically and rationally at that time and it was felt that perhaps others might benefit from my insights and offer input.

Most people that have responded generally have a 'good' first time, only later dealing with possible down-sides. I would not have wished my pain and torment on anyone, but that was a problem with my psyche, not the substance of choice.

Exp Year: 1999	ExpID: 97019
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: Not Given
Published: Jul 23, 2012	Views: 7,594
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MDMA (3) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Relationships (44), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2)