DOSE:			Alcohol
	1 hit	smoked	DMT

BODY WEIGHT:

170 lb

I historically do not do well with drugs. Especially hallucinogenics. My experience can be described as doing the complete opposite of set and setting.

I had just taken leave from Afghanistan and was at a friend's house drinking with my usual circle of friends. The host of the party offered me some DMT, knowing I had always been interested in the drug. Out of complete ignorance and disregard for my psyche, I had accepted his generous offer. The area I was deployed to in Afghanistan was not easy. I had already been in several 'fire fights' and been blown up a couple of times.

Perhaps I was trying to be tough, perhaps I wanted to display a sort of flawless mental resiliency... Perhaps I'm just stupid. I was not in a good psychological state to try a drug like this.

At the bonfire, the host handed me the pipe and I began to hit it. As I'm hitting it, the host is reassuring me to take the biggest hit I could handle, and hold it in for as long as I can. I do this and before I can even exhale I already feel the effects.

I remember standing (do not stand when you take this), and feeling a rush coming on. My only thought was 'Oh shit.' and I immediately took a knee. I put my hand over my mouth and assumed a 'thinking' position to avoid revealing any inner turmoil and psychedelic horror.

I am instantly overcome with sheer anxiety. Everything became frighteningly absurd. The host, a long time friend of mine, became unrecognizable. He took the form of a sort of divine trickster, which was very terrifying for me. It was like he was teleporting all around the backyard and was mocking me. It was as if he had tricked me into this psychic experience (which he technically really did, by offering me the DMT).

In hopes of changing the trajectory of the trip, I turned my head to change scenery. When I looked over to my right, there was a humanoid type figure, that was a sort of blue color. It was as if this figure were made of lights and energy. He looked like a sort of Vedic deity or something. This figure was sitting in a sort of lotus position and he was watching me trip. I can tell he could see what I was going through because of the terrifying smile he had on his face and the nodding of his head as if here assuring me to just 'Let go'. I, of course, did not 'let go' and held on to whatever fears and anxieties that took hold of me. I feared if I 'let go' I would have descended into madness and would never return.

Despite the probably helpful efforts of my blue hallucination, I remained in a sort of hellish dimension trying to grasp a reality that's becoming increasingly absurd and scary. It seems that the blue humanoid figure realized I wasn't going to 'let go' so he disappeared. That's when I went to a very incomprehensible state of mind, that seemed to reveal normal everyday life as an illusion.

Notion after terrifying notion came through me and I believed them as fast as they came to my mind. I can't recall most of them, but I seem to remember a sort of 'realization' that life was an illusion, and that everything is one... That sounds beautiful to a lot of people but my mind managed to construct this concept in a way that is nightmarish. I felt as if I were God, but it was tragic. It was as if, as God, I constructed everything reality wise to escape the harsh, nonsensical absurdity of existence. The Great absurd accident. This was very void like for me. If this notion wasn't going through me, there was one of being convinced I was insane, or there was something terribly wrong with my brain. I felt as though my mind was tragically flawed, as if I had some sort of mental disability. Struggling with these notions and trying to comprehend reality itself created a void like impression on me, which intensified all other notions. A vicious cycle. It was hell for me. A hell that lacked any aesthetic appeal of fire and brimstone. A hell that knows no light and knows no darkness. Pure nonsense. Metaphysical confusion.

After this void experience I was returning back to what I could comprehend as reality. Everything was seemingly normal, but it just appeared as if everything was made up of light and energy. The details of every object took the form of a sort of sacred geometrical pattern. My anxiety had left for the most part, but was replaced with a sort of uncomfortable awkwardness.

The entire trip I remained in the same position, on one knee with my palm on my chin and my fingers covering my mouth. All I said throughout the trip, according to my friend, was 'Oh, fuck. Yeah, no, I'm never doing this again. Shit. Too strong.' or something like that. By the end of the day I wanted to try it again. The next day, however, I returned to my original position of never wanting to do it again.

Now, with just coming back from Afghanistan you would think I would have some crazy PTSD/shell shock episode. The place I went to knows no such things as war or peace. There's a creeping feeling that maybe this is what happens with consciousness when you die. When a concept like that becomes believable, it is scarier than war itself. That's how intense DMT is.

About a week or so later I return to Afghanistan. Since I've taken DMT I've had dozens of panic attacks and experienced many moments of derealization and depersonalization. I'm not sure if its linked to DMT, PTSD or both.

Always remember set and setting. If you do not have time for either, you do not have time for DMT. Do not underestimate DMT.

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 99101
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 24
Published: Jun 11, 2021	Views: 1,478
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DMT (18) : Post Trip Problems (8), Entities / Beings (37), Difficult Experiences (5), First Times (2), Small Group (2-9) (17)