DOSE:		oral	MDMA
		smoked	Cannabis

BODY WEIGHT:

78 kg

Post-MDMA Psychosis

It all happened around 8 months ago but I remember my experience very vividly as it has been, without a doubt, the most shocking thing that ever happened to me. Still, I have had to do a lot of remembering, aiding myself with messages I sent or received on social media or e-mails in order to put in order what happened to me.

In summary, I took MDMA twice in a 3-week period having very difficult comedowns or “crashes” 2 days after consumption. The second time I took MDMA I ended up having a severe psychotic episode and got sent to a psychiatric ward were I remained for 2 weeks until my mother came to pick me up (I was abroad). Although I think I have recovered since then, it took me a few months to come back to normality.

[NOTICE: This is a long story, so I have divided my experience in 3 PARTS. The first about the first time I took MDMA, the second about my second time taking it two weeks afterwards and the third about the psychotic episode that followed my second time taking MDMA.]

Let me first tell you a bit about myself. At the time I was a law masters student in Europe, living with one of my best friends and really having a good time overall. I had smoked weed for a few years (did it for the first time on my second year of college) although very irregularly. It was only during the last year, during my time as a graduate student that I had started smoking heavily, almost every day for around a year. I had taken mushrooms a couple times and that was my whole experience with drugs thus far, so I was not really an experienced person when it comes to drugs.

PART 1

The first time I took MDMA was in the form of tiny crystals which unless looked at carefully would just look like white powder. The way of consumption was oral. I went to an electronic music festival with a bunch of friends, including 2 very close friends who I’ll call Beavis (who I lived with) and Butthead. I had studied my undergraduate degree with both of them and thus knew them for years already.

In our group, some people had done MDMA before but Beavis, Butthead and I hadn't, and we were VERY excited about it. In fact, I think I went to the music festival only so that I would get to take some MDMA too. I don’t know exactly how much I took, the friend who got the MDMA for everybody gave us individual little plastic bags with an amount sufficient for each. From reading online and other experiences I think it’s safe to assume I took something around 100 mg, which seems to be the average amount for one person (taking into consideration none of us were heavy users who needed larger doses).

Beavis, Butthead and me met outside the festival and waited for another friend, I´ll call him Fox, who incidentally was the only one not doing MDMA in the group that night. We got in, found the rest of the group, got our MDMA crystals and went ahead with it. All 3 of us (Beavis, Butthead and me) took it slowly and only in small bits at a time.

I probably didn't even take a quarter of my portion for an hour while waiting for it to kick in before taking in more. Around an hour later I got tired of waiting, I had felt a little burst of energy and felt very positive too, but that was probably because of being with good friends, the music and the setting in general, but I wasn't feeling the MDMA yet.

By that time Butthead had gotten lost, he wasn't anywhere to be found. Beavis on the other hand was right next to me and I got to see him as the MDMA kicked in for him. He seemed to enjoy it from what I saw although he later told me he felt like if he was “melting” (so not something positive). He asked me to go outside with him since he didn't feel very good. After a while outside we came back in and went to get water to a quieter area so that he could relax. By then I had already noticed I had taken so little of my MDMA portion that it was as if I had taken none, so I went for a bit more, Beavis also prompted me to take more telling me he wanted me to feel the way he felt as it supposedly felt very good.

I had smoked weed for the first time with Beavis and I had also taken mushrooms for the first time with him so he was not only a close friend but someone I trusted on drugs and definitely didn't want to miss our first time rolling so I went ahead and finished my portion and even had the rest of his as he seemed to be rolling pretty hard already and offered me what was left of his portion.

I am not sure there was a precise moment when I felt the MDMA “kick in”, but a little while later I was feeling as happy as I had never felt in my life before and enjoying the electronic music (which was never of my liking before this!) a whole freaking lot.bI realized how the drug had affected me when we found Butthead again. I was so happy to see him I jumped and hugged him as soon as I saw him again, I felt he truly was my friend and thought to myself the night was going to be awesome. I had even been a bit worried about him since he was missing for a while and it also was his first time rolling but he was fine, he had been walking around, talking to people.

Now it's a good time to mention I had been smoking a lot of weed up to this point. At first I wanted to feel the effects of MDMA without mixing anything, but as time passed I got tired of waiting and accepted several joints which people in my group were passing around. At some point after smoking a lot and feeling great I started feeling dizzy out of nowhere, I got a strong urge to go outside and be away of people but I knew it would be better to have some company so I asked Beavis to go out with me for a while.

As we walked outside the dizziness I felt turned into something worse. I’m not sure how to describe it. I didn't feel sad, but worse. I felt miserable for no reason and a bit paranoid for no reason too. I suddenly wanted to be away from everyone. As soon as we got out my mind was overwhelmed with memories of an ex-girlfriend and a bad break up we had. It was really out of nowhere since I hadn't thought of her in maybe over a year, and had broken up with her 2 years before. Bad feelings flooded my mind, like if they were being injected into me. By this point I was barely able to walk, so Beavis and I sat down by a wall outside the big hall were the rest of our group was.

Beavis asked me what was wrong with me and all I could tell him was that I didn't want to remind myself of it. I couldn't tell him why I was feeling bad not only because it felt like saying it would make me feel worse but also because I thought it was a bit ridiculous that I felt like that over something that old. As I looked into Beavis I noticed his face was blurry, like if I was in a dream. His eyes were especially blurry, and the image I could see, although I knew it was his face, looked more like one big eye from a surrealist painting. I remember being very paranoid of people I didn't know while being in this state. A random guy sat next to us and told us he had lost his friends. In hindsight, he was very friendly, but at the moment I thought he wanted to harm us, I didn't know if he wanted to rob us or if he would be violent, but I just felt uneasy about him so I ignored him until he left.

After spending some time outside I finally calmed down and was able to go back inside with Butthead, Fox and the rest of the people in our group. I had some minor paranoid moments but in general the rest of the night was awesome, I danced to the music like I never had before and felt truly happy; happiness and thankfulness for being with such good friends is what I mainly felt throughout the night.

Around 7 am everyone in our group headed out of the place where the music festival was and went to hang out somewhere nearby. I, on the other hand, had to go back home to finish an assignment from my masters that was due that very day at noon. I managed to finish it even while still feeling the happy and active from the MDMA and sweating like a pig, also a side effect from taking it.

The days after I felt somewhat depressed; it was like if I could never be happy again. I talked to several friends back home and stayed busy with my masters. I still had classes, so overall I had support and my mind busy with other things so as to not think about my depression all the time. Around a week later I was feeling normal again.

PART 2

The second time I took MDMA was also with Beavis and Butthead; only 2 weeks after the first time I tried it. Although this time only Butthead and me took it, while Beavis was busy with his girlfriend and left early. The night started at a small party by the beach. We were only having beers but Butthead and I were actively looking for MDMA from random people at the party.

Eventually, we found 2 guys who offered us a small plastic bag with MDMA inside it. I tasted it and the taste was the same from last time, an ugly taste of a strong sour, clearly man-made thing. I don’t think I’m describing it right, but the taste is very unique so I immediately knew it was MDMA. We bought a small plastic bag which we were assured was enough for both and started taking it, slowly, just as during the first time.

The party by the beach ended early and the MDMA had still not kicked in, so Beavis (his girlfriend had left), Butthead and me were walking back from the beach, taking the MDMA (only Butthead and me) and deciding what to do next. At some point Beavis decided to go back home (he hadn't taken any and clearly wasn't in the same mood as Butthead and me) so Butthead and me decided to go clubbing to some crappy places by another beach.

The clubs were nothing special and the partying itself was also kinda lame, but the MDMA had already kicked in and Butthead and I felt really good. We stayed partying until the morning (around 6 am) when the clubs closed down and we decided to go walk by the beach and hit on drunk girls.

We encountered some girls that were on vacation in our city and spend some time with them, but mostly it was just the 2 of us walking aimlessly in the beach talking about the most random things like how our pupils were incredibly dilated. I seriously don’t think I have ever felt so close to a friend, family member or anyone as I felt to Butthead that morning. He was my brother and we were having the time of our lives, everything seemed to be ok with the world. We walked for hours by the beach and then wandered into the city, we went up into a nearby hill from where we had an awesome view of the beach and the city. At this point I thought I saw Butthead have a small comedown. He looked as if he was crying for a very short time and when I asked him what was going on he simply evaded my questions. I knew something bothered him, but I assumed it wasn't that important.

Around noon we were already very tired from having walked hours so we said goodbye and each went to his home.

PART 3

The next days I still felt pretty good. I would sleep only a few hours, not more than 4 per night, and wake up full of energy, dancing and happy as I could be. I was done with classes and had no responsibility except for enjoying myself so I went out with Butthead and kept on enjoying the summer, which had only just started.

2 days afterwards I went to buy weed with Beavis. We came back home, rolled a joint and as I was just about to smoke I had a very strong comedown, I would even call it a “crash”. The happiness I had been feeling for the last few days left me and I felt immediately sad. Sadness overwhelmed me and I wanted to cry for no reason. I was embarrassed to cry in front of Beavis, who by the way I felt really mad with, so I stood up and went to my room. Beavis called me and told me to smoke up with him but I knew it wouldn't help so I instead decided to go running, I wanted to be alone, or more specifically I wanted to be away from Beavis, who for some reason I loathed at the moment. I think now that I felt so angry with him because he hadn't taken any MDMA with Butthead and me last time, I think I resented that he had spent the night with his girlfriend away from Butthead and me and had not shared that awesome night we had.

So at the end I went running. I grabbed my mp3 player and a joint in case I wanted to smoke and went running. As I ran sadness kept on crawling under my skin, like if it was being injected into me by some unknown force; I couldn't fight it back. I even cried while running, uncontrollably and quite pathetically. I stopped at a park around half an hour after leaving my house and although I felt like smoking I was feeling so wrecked and miserable I decided it would be better not to take any drugs.

Later that day Beavis convinced me to go to some barbecue/party a friend was organizing. I arrived there with only a six-pack and a joint (which was standard for me to carry at the time). I didn't take any food for barbecuing as I didn't feel hungry at all and was sure I wouldn't eat. The afternoon at the barbecue was fine, I drank a few beers, talked to people and in general felt ok. But as night came I started feeling angry again towards Beavis, as if he wasn't my friend anymore.

I smoked the joint, actually it was a pure-weed-blunt, with a friend at the barbecue and went psychotic after that [from this point on my story becomes maybe a little confusing, as a psychotic episode is really hard to describe in writing]. Now, when I say psychotic I really mean I went totally crazy. From this point onwards reality wasn't reality anymore. Reality became whatever crazy thing I was thinking of.

To start with, I felt hatred towards Beavis. I literally told him “I love you, but sometimes you’re an idiot” and ignored him from then on for the night. I talked to some people, my memory is blurry, and more and more I got the feeling everyone I talked to hated me. After a while I was sure everyone at the barbecue hated me for one reason or another and was trying to send me signals of how much they hated me by saying things that in my mind meant something completely different. Quite importantly, Butthead wasn't at the barbecue, who I think I would have trusted.

I freaked out and decided to leave. I basically ran down the stairs and took the first taxi I found back home. My memory becomes blurry again at this point and I have no idea of what I did until the night after, when Beavis (who lived with me) and my other flatmate insisted on me coming out of my room to smoke some weed and record a song (my other flatmate was a musician). After smoking I became convinced that my other flatmate was Jesus, which is especially weird in my case because I am not religious and had been an agnostic for the past 8 years if not more. My flatmate at the time was just about to leave to go back home (the academic year was over and summer was starting) and since in my mind he was actually Jesus I became convinced he was leaving because of me, because I was the devil or the son of the devil… or evil incarnated, or something along those lines.

That night I didn't sleep at all and very early next morning I felt the urge to do good things. From small things like taking out the trash and cleaning our kitchen to things like buying a new lamp for the flat, I tried doing good deeds all morning to redeem myself as I knew Jesus (actually my flatmate) wanted to leave because I was evil itself.

He, quite obviously, left anyways and went home. But in my reality he left because he was trying to teach me something. That night I didn't sleep again and went to a world where world war 3 had started. In my mind I spent 3 days and nights alone in my flat, without eating or drinking anything, while all around me world war 3 was raging on. I would log on into social media like facebook and believed every status update from my friends were actually messages reflecting the war that was killing people I knew all over the world… all because of me, everything was my fault since I was the devil. I know this last part doesn't make much sense, but so is psychosis, nothing makes much sense.

After this “3 days and nights” passed, which in reality were only one night, I woke up in my bed and realized there was no world war. I was sure what I had lived was real so I thought perhaps I was in another dimension or it all simply was a warning of what was to come. In any case I was completely freaking out by this point so I tried to run away. I packed my things and went to a bus station in order to go to another country.

I think I didn't mention I was going to start an internship in another nearby European country in a few weeks. I was aware of this and decided to run to the city were my internship was going to take place. I wanted to be away from everyone I knew as I was sure I was evil itself and would only cause them pain and the world to go to war.

As I was trying to run away I would randomly hear what I can only call “satanic music” in my mp3 player and the radio of the taxi I was in. I was unable to do basic things like buy a ticket so I eventually returned home.

The next days, around 4 more days, all sorts of crazy things happened. I was still feeling miserable for no reason and apologized, not very coherently, via e-mails or facebook to people close to me for things I had done wrong in the past, all the way from cheating on a girlfriend to idiotic things like not returning a call.

I also became sure my friends were following me like if I was the leader of some mysterious cult. I was sure Beavis and Butthead were both geniuses that were at the same time hackers that had infiltrated my laptop where they would leave me hidden messages. I was sure everyone around me was actually much, much older than in reality, like hundreds or even thousands of years old, while I was just my actual age and so was someone who didn't have their wisdom. I saw some friend from years ago who had “reincarnated” into other random people as they had died in the world war I had foreseen or seen… or whatever. I even had conversations in my mind with Beavis and Butthead a couple days later while in the beach as I was sure they communicated with me telepathically in order to carry out a plan avert the world war I had seen. All this while still being convinced that I was evil itself, the devil, the son of the devil or something along those lines.

A week after taking MDMA the second time my friends Beavis and Butthead decided I was acting too weird. They didn't know of any of my delusions or my psychotic state but took me anyways to a hospital. I agreed to go, only because I thought it was part of a masterplan to reunite me with an old girlfriend who I felt I still loved and had to meet before I died so that there would be no world war. While on the taxi to the hospital I gave all my important possessions, wallet, money, passport to Beavis and Butthead as I was carrying them since I was trying to run away (unsuccessfully) every day.

Quite obviously the doctors at the hospital realized something was very wrong with me after questioning me and decided to send me to the psychiatric ward where I remained for 2 weeks. My mother had to come all the way to Europe to pick me up and go back home together; the doctors wouldn't release me without someone taking care of me.

It took me a few months to come back to normality. I was very confused and my thought process and reactions very, very slow, although I don’t know if this was because of my psychosis or as a side effect of the medicines I was taking. I took 6mg of Clonazepam and 12mg of Risperidone daily while at the hospital and 8 months later I am still taking 1mg of Risperidone which I will have to continue taking until my doctor decides otherwise.

This has been the most horrible experience I have ever had and it has been quite difficult to recover, although I think now I am completely back to normal.

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 99210
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 23
Published: Nov 11, 2020	Views: 1,462
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MDMA (3), Endogenous (86) : First Times (2), Combinations (3), Health Problems (27), Post Trip Problems (8), Various (28)