DOSE:

2 hits

vaporized

DMT

BODY WEIGHT:

185 lb

An attempt to remember

One evening at my friend’s 3rd floor apartment, I breakthrough like never before and it’s about DMTime. Sitting on the balcony awith a cool breeze blowing, I am looking out at the city. There are two huge trees across from me, one to my right and the other directly in front of me. Some tall, younger trees are to the left, along with another large tree whose branches stretch up over the balcony railing. White Christmas lights wrap around the balcony, and although the deep purple sky has charcoal clouds I can still see some stars. After the second rip, I am rushed out of my body, and I barely manage to hit play on my iPod. As Shpongle’s “Behind Closed Eyelids” begins pulsating through my headphones, my spirit energy bursts, exploding out of my physical container, spreading until interwoven and inseparable from the network of life. I can feel my connection to all things. I feel the consciousnesses of my friends in the room behind me, the consciousnesses of the world. I can look through the mind and eyes of others, and sense the consciousness of those I have been close to, even friends I haven’t seen in some time.

I am at once the smallest atom in my body, and the entire universe. I control the movements of far away objects, entire solar systems. I feel like a galaxy, my spiral arms spreading through every microcosm of existence. My consciousness spreads through creation, as I am in communion with the Creator. It was smiling almost menacingly at me, through many faces. I go through loops of realizing the beauty of creation then feeling worried about something that I couldn’t quite put my finger on, as snake-like DNA helixes are constantly unwinding, spinning, and spiraling all around me, looking at me. Death enters my mind, as I think about how my current form must end, although I know that it never ends, that the soul is eternal and the energy is always recycled, reincarnated. But still I feel unable to grasp or cope with something. Something is there that I just can’t understand or be at peace with. This consciousness seems to say something like, “You’re not meant to understand this yet” or maybe it was “You already know the answer”. At the same time it reveals countless other mysteries. I am overcome by how amazing and dazzling it all is as I journey through space, transcending matter and time.

As I enjoy this spiritual roller coaster, I remember the unity of all consciousness, while also remembering the preciousness and uniqueness of each and every individual soul *We Are All One*. I have several flashbacks, often seeing close friends who I had once journeyed with during other life-changing, mind-expanding adventures, and begin recalling specific scenes (Vlad and Kev tossing a red glowstick back and forth across the Dam at Mercer, Me having similar loops of worry and relief, re-realizing that there really was nothing to worry about after all). Not like a hazy or distant memory though, they flash vividly in front of me and really appear there, friends really speak to me, repeat or showing me things as reminders. I glimpse what seems like past lives or other people’s experiences. Whenever I begin feeling worried or anxious, the color or tint of my visuals would change to a reddish, dark colour scheme in sync with my state of mind. As the negativity shifts, or I begin understanding that life is a beautiful gift to be enjoyed despite whatever struggles it holds and I simply need to love as much and as many people that I could, the tint again begins to change, shifting to another palette of greens and yellows. I don’t know how long I go through these loops of deep feeling and emotion, shifting to blues and oranges, then reds, and back to yellows and greens again.

All the while this consciousness watches me, sometimes seeming to take the forms of large trees in front of me and to my right. The “faces” of these trees look melancholy, the one in the middle frightening, maybe even angry at the neglect of this human community, that lets their roots choke in the concrete and asphalt. But still they grow strong and vibrant. This all encompassing consciousness continues smiling with its somewhat freakish grin, shaking its “head(s)” at me whenever I make a false conclusion or become worried or anxious about my lack of understanding. Occasionally it looks at me with a sort of pitiful expression, sometimes changing to a very solemn and serious, piercing look depending on what is being communicated or what I am thinking/asking. Upon breaking through I had that familiar feeling of having been there before , but at the same time I was struck with the sensation of stumbling into a room, surrounded by observers (higher lightbeings, the faces of God). They look down at me with benign, almost condescending expressions, giving me the feeling that I wasn’t really supposed to be there (yet) but that they were still going to teach me as much as possible in the time that I had.

At some point I feel as if I may be unable to return to my bodily vessel, or maybe that I don’t want to, or just don’t know how. I begin bouncing in and out of my body, going deep inside and inversing back out. Careening through far reaches of the Universe, and rushing back down and around my earthly location. After doing this for some time this consciousness kind of takes my energy and smushes me back down, crams my energy back into my physical form. After I am squeezed back into my body like an overstuffed travel bag, I slowly reconnect with my nerves and my body tissues again. Despite whatever negative or positive feelings I might have and at any given instant throughout the trip, there is always the magnificent enjoyment at the kaleidoscopic dance spinning before me, the ride that I am controlling, creating, and changing (whether consciously or unconsciously). I become aware of things that I need to change in myself, ways I need to be more conscious of how I act towards others, the need to be more careful about the energy I send out, how I need to take better care of my body and make an effort to use each moment I am given (Be the change you wish to see in the world-Mahatma Gandhi is a quote that comes to mind).

Throughout the entire experience I am flooded with the most extreme ecstasy and euphorically blissful vibrations, stronger than I had ever imagined. At times it reaches an almost uncomfortable level of intensity, and it comes in the form of waves of energy, much like an ocean storm whose power fluxes and fluctuates, growing calm and then churning with awesome strength. Sometimes it feels as if this storm is overtaking me, drowning me. Despite contradictory feelings of ecstatic euphoria, I also feel I am going through a painful process that I need to get through, as if slowing dying, and being reborn, with the buildup of trying to reach an orgasmic climax, but one that I am fearful of reaching. I have tremendous difficulties, breaking through blockages in my body, crossing narrow bridges over gaping, sheer cliffs and valleys, and have to be guided by this multi-visaged Father consciousness. The G.rand O.rchestrator D.esigner consciousness that exists all around me and through me.

I was often in a perpetual state of questioning, getting hit with answers that seemed so obvious afterwards, or being told that I knew the answers, or that they would come later. I was also constantly losing my grasp of understanding of certain things immediately after I had gained it (this ties into the mind loops of worry and relief that I was describing before). I was confronted with what appeared as good or evil forces, sometimes transforming into each other, as I grappled with those concepts. The visual beauty of the trip was unmatched by any previous psychedelic experience. I knew that This is It. I had the understanding that I had unlocked something that I had began to lose, I knew that I lived in the Divine State, as Alan Watts describes in “the Nature of Consciousness”. I knew that nature was conscious, that this was the consciousness of the universe with which I was communicating. I was able to watch the very notes of the Song of life (the one verse, “uni-verse”) being played before me, and I knew that this was an ongoing concerto that we were all co-creating every infinite moment.

It was indeed overwhelming, I was often overcome by the bombardment of information and experience. Unlike the usual eventual comedown I associate with DMT trips, like beginning to descend an escalator, I actually felt I needed to make an effort to come down, and briefly began feeling fearful and anxious about doing so. It took deliberate concentration for me to return. Towards the end I just wanted to LIVE again back in the present, physical realm, so that I could process and share my experience, so that I could begin to not waste another second on anything unworthy of all the energy that has gone into my blessed existence.

One thing I recall about the entire trip was that no matter how chaotic it got, no matter how ridiculously mindfuckingly inexpressible it became, I had an unflinchingly coherent awareness of myself and my thoughts. I was fully lucid throughout it all , which is something I cannot say about my past DMT breakthroughs. Although there are some parts about it that I’m nowhere close to understanding, and despite my worries about the end of all things or my unpleasant feelings of this God-consciousness laughing in my face, it was a priceless and positive learning experience. Being immersed in love and energy, I was reminded that we are each creating everything we experience, that this is the life we have made, being made through us, having been made for us, and by us. It was an undeniable Divine Moment of Truth that I will never forget, and never fully remember.

Amongst my episodes of ethereal epilepsy, metaphysical madness, and supranatural sensations, there were still parts of the trip where I was just jammin’, laughing ecstatically and filled with exuberance as I enjoyed the visuals and took deep, full breaths of the freshest air I’d ever tasted. Inhale, exhale.

Exp Year: 2011	ExpID: 99247
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Oct 14, 2020	Views: 3,281
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DMT (18) : General (1), Mystical Experiences (9), Nature / Outdoors (23), Entities / Beings (37), Glowing Experiences (4), Small Group (2-9) (17)